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Author Topic: 'Isolated'  (Read 7642 times)

gabzas331

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'Isolated'
« on: September 13, 2010, 05:13:57 pm »

I finally decided to take the plunge and give writing a go. Here's my introduction:
Isolated by gabzas331

This is the story of a girl named Amy. At a glance she is like any other thirteen year old girl - crushes on boys and the like - but underneath there is something else: something different...

It was the first day of a brand new school. 'A clean slate at last,' thought Amy. In her last school she had been bullied relentlessly, and all because of a secret, and a lost friend. Laura used to be her best friend, but then she started to distance herself from Amy, and they inevitably fell out. Laura was the only one who knew Amy was a diaper lover - this was the whole reason Laura distanced herself from Amy - and when they fell out, the inevitable happened: Laura gossiped. Amy was then subject to torment from everyone. She lost all her remaining friends, who decided she was 'sick' and became depressed. She had seen therapists, psychologists and social workers, but nothing had worked. She was talked out of suicide by her mother and she bunked off school.

But today that could change. Amy had moved across the city to a brand new school. Yes, she knew nobody, but at least they didn't know about her being a diaper lover, and that was much better than her old school.

Her first day went by pretty uneventfully. The lessons weren't great but Amy enjoyed them nonetheless - she was smarter than most of the other people in her class and she felt comfortable with her surroundings. She made friends with another girl who had moved school because of bullying and quickly got to know her.

When she arrived home she had a spring in her step; everything had gone so well on her first day that she found herself already distancing herself from the past. Unfortunately, that wasn't so. Later on, she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She had a text from Laura. It read:
'Don't think you're getting away this easily.'
Amy couldn't believe it. Laura was going to try to ruin her life - again. She panicked. If Laura knew someone in her school and told them about her secret, she would be completely screwed. She went to bed to try and get some sleep, but she didn't get any. She was sick with fear.
« Last Edit: September 17, 2010, 04:35:30 pm by gabzas331 »
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babyjess

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Re: The first chapter of my first ever story
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2010, 11:46:07 am »

This sounds like an interesting premise for a story, but to be honest this chapter reads much more like an introduction than a story. It feels quite rushed - it gives a good overview for what is going on, but I think it would benefit from being longer. I would like to see much more description, and perhaps some dialogue as well. Don't feel afraid to pad a story out with additional information about your characters and how they're thinking, or to include information about the setting.

For example, your first paragraph covers quite a major event, but in just one paragraph, and it leaves me asking questions about your characters. Why did Laura start to distance herself from Amy? How did the fall out happen? Could you tell us more about the torment she was subject to, and her resulting depression? I understand the want not to dwell on things too much, but don't be in too much of a rush to get to the interesting part of the story.

Also, don't be afraid to elaborate on things not necessarily central to the plot. For example, Amy's first day at school was explained in just 2 sentences - personally I think that an event so monumental as a first day at a new school would be a great way to really introduce your character. How was she feeling about her fresh start? How did she react to being in a new school - was she shy and solitary, or did she find a new group of friends straight away? This may have been a good time to introduce us to some of Amy's new classmates as well.

As I said earlier, I like the premise of this story - the fact Amy is a diaper lover and not incontinent immediately makes it different to a lot of other high school stories, and the situation with Laura could certainly lead to something very interesting. I'll be interested to see where you take the story, but I think I would enjoy the story much more if more time was taken over it and situations were elaborated on more so. :-)
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Write And Left

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Re: The first chapter of my first ever story
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2010, 01:36:39 pm »

Laura was going to try and ruin her life - again.

I hate to be the grammar police, but it should be, "Laura was going to try to ruin her life - again."  Don't worry.  I made a similar mistake on a story.
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BabySiri

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Re: 'Isolated'
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2010, 03:47:08 pm »

yes we love it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not everyone who read the posts can post.
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babyjennie

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Re: 'Isolated'
« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2010, 11:25:04 pm »

Dear gabzas, I like what you've written so far, but a couple of hints...

Take a bit more time with your exposition. The text message countdown seemed to go from 18 to 6 to 'today's the day' all too quickly. Plus there was scant explanation of why Laura was bullying Amy, or why it should continue months later when she had changed schools. And to go from a few weeks of teasing to opt out via suicide...? It all seems a bit rushed to me. You have talent and you can write, but you need to take a bit more time to fill out your short stories.
Please keep writing and posting, and I'll keep reading.

Hugs from Baby Jennie
« Last Edit: September 19, 2010, 11:29:07 pm by babyjennie »
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BabySiri

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Re: 'Isolated'
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2010, 01:41:51 am »

and my be an alternate ending, I was bullied from 2nd to 6th grade, not for diapers but because i was small and I went to 5 different elementry schools. But the time i had enough i hit the bully and that was the end of it.
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babyjess

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Re: 'Isolated'
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2010, 05:39:09 am »

I'm sorry, but I feel really disappointed with your last chapter - the story jumped from the unlikely (Amy finding another AB/DL in Fay) to the completely implausible.

1) How on earth did Laura find out about Fay???? That needs some explaining.

2) Why were the girls not wearing their underwear in their PE lesson? I have never taken my underwear off during PE, so that makes no sense. Surely they would have had underwear on under their PE kit, or they could have just worn their PE shorts instead of the diapers. I don't see why they would choose to wear diapers instead of PE shorts?

3) Most people can hold their urine for the length of a school lunchtime, which is usually only an hour or so - I don't think they both would have wet their diapers in the time their captors held them down.

4) Amy's messy accident is bordering on the ridiculous. If she has never had an accidental bowel movement in class before, why would she suddenly have one on the day she's wearing a diaper? Again, most people can hold themselves for the length of a lesson, and most teachers would let a student go if they were really that desperate. Even if they didn't, most students would rather run out of the classroom to the toilet without permission than just sit and mess in front of the whole class.

5) Where were the teachers in all of this?? I know a lot of things go past them in school, but I think they'd notice 2 of their students suddenly being dressed in diapers, writing a speech about diapers, being dragged from the toilets to the spot the teachers couldn't see etc etc. Teachers aren't stupid, and students aren't always that clever. I think they'd soon notice this torment happening to two of their students, and even if they didn't a student would probably be dumb enough to mention it in a teacher's earshot at least once during the day.

6) Why did the girls even turn up to school when they knew everybody knew about the diapers? Why didn't they turn around on the way to school and go straight back home. Their parents know about their diapers, and each girl has changed school due to bullying before, so wouldn't their parents have understood?

I thought your story started quite well, but it descended into a series of implausible events offered with explanations that were equally implausible. I also felt the ending was incredibly rushed. It is possible to have a story in which the implausible does happen time and time again, but this needs to be executed sensitively so that the implausible doesn't actually appear so in the setting of the story. That means the writer has to take their time in setting the scene for each unlikely event, and in offering the explanation for why it happened.

So for example, rather than have the girls underwear stolen during a PE lesson (when they would still be wearing underwear & PE shorts, which could have gone under their skirts) you could have had them playing a muddy game of soccer as part of their PE lesson. This would obviously require them to shower, and whilst they were in the shower their clothes could have been stolen by their classmates. Their classmates could have agreed to only give back their clothes on the condition they put on the diapers. Just thinking a little harder about the explanation you offer for the events that unfold in your story makes a real difference for how the reader enjoys your story.

As someone else said, what you actually write is written quite well and you have a good writing style, but your writing still feels too rushed and too many events unfold with little or no explanation, often explained over just one or two lines.

For your next story I suggest you take the whole thing much, much slower. As I said previously, don't feel afraid to take your time introducing your characters and setting the scene - don't be in too much of a rush to get to the exciting part with the diapers if it is in detriment to the rest of the story. Most readers like to feel like they get to know the characters over the course of the whole story - yes, we like to read about the diapers, but most readers also want the story to delve a little deeper than that. Think about how your characters are feeling and what they are thinking at each point of the story, and try to include some of their thoughts and feelings in your writing to help your readers get to know your characters.
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BabySiri

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Re: 'Isolated'
« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2010, 05:19:06 pm »

it could even end with them being homeschooled.when the tesing gotreal bad my friend's mother took him out of public school and in to being homeschooled. and i agree with babyjesswets.
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Serenara

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Re: 'Isolated'
« Reply #8 on: September 21, 2010, 05:49:25 pm »

Well, here's the thing. What I think, personally, is that the story is rather cliche'd in the beginning anyways. A DL girl discovers her friend is also an AB. The beginning is decent, it was slow and steady, and then six comes out from nowhere. It's too fast for this kind of set up, and it felt to me like a short story rather than a chapter story, which is what I think you were trying to go for. Also, a concern from many, how would Laura have figured it out, it was a rather ODD character introduction, considering she's in another school, or from what I can tell.
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Jayme Ann

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Re: 'Isolated'
« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2010, 04:01:14 pm »

Chapter 4 is a vast improvement over chapter 3 and I am glad to see that you re-wrote it.

One thing you could do is tie the chapters together as a warped nightmare caused by the illness, and her fear of what is yet to come from this issue.

From seeing what you have written you do have a good story line here, all you need to do is flesh out your other characters a bit more and try to keep close to your plot. The reason I suggest you keep close to the plot is that as a story is written it may go off on a tangent you were not thinking of.

Anyways I am enjoying what you have written so far.
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True friendship is found within the faces of those who truly care.

Serenara

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Re: 'Isolated'
« Reply #10 on: September 22, 2010, 05:33:46 pm »

I did, but those posts are still up there, and I am critiquing on those... >>
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babyjess

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Re: 'Isolated'
« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2010, 06:08:48 pm »

I agree that the new chapter 4 is a vast improvement on the original one! I also think your story is going to really benefit from taking it more slowly, so whilst you don't have to document every day and text message Amy receives making sure you don't skip too many days is a good idea. as others have said, you have a good idea for a story. Yes, it is a little cliched, but so are 90% of diaper stories - just make sure you take more care to offer plausible explanations for what's going on than you did in your original chapter 4 and I think you'll have quite a good first ever story.  :)
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Serenara

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Re: 'Isolated'
« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2010, 05:11:36 pm »

I also want to re-iterate, but I haven't seen HOW they meet Laura yet... would you mind pointing it out to me?

~Serenara
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Serenara

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Re: 'Isolated'
« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2010, 05:29:08 pm »

Ohhhh... That was my understanding before. Thanks for the clarification.
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