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No Regrets

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    [Incomplete] No Regrets

    Hey guys, been here for a while now and decided to take a crack at actually writing a story.

    I've never really written a genuine story before, so please feel free to tell me where I can improve.

    WARNING: The following story contains (minor? I'm new at this, sorry) profanity.

    I hope you enjoy.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    No Regrets
    Chapter 1

    A blonde girl slummped against the bathroom wall and exhaled, watching the grey smoke disperse into the air with an expression of nothingness on her face.

    She closed her eyes, the cigarette between her fingers still burning as she became lost in thought in the silence.

    Hours seemed to pass before she was cut off by the ringing of the school bell, signaling that she was late for class.

    With a sigh, she turned the sink on and put the cigarette out before flushing the remaining ashes down one of the toilets.

    Throwing her bag over her shoulder, she made her way through the now empty hallways, making sure to move as slowly as possible before actually reaching her class on the second floor.

    After breathing another heavy sigh she loudly knocked on her classroom door before being greeted by a tall slender brunnette dressed in proffesional looking attire.

    "Late again, Ms. Ross?"

    Maria could tell the teacher's voice was condicending and full of irritation. She rolled her eyes and made her way to her desk, her classmates not daring to say a word.

    "I wouldn't suppose you would actually happen to have a pass this time?"

    Maria was no longer listening to her.

    The teacher sighed and informed the class to continue working on their bellwork before moving to her computer to work on attendance.

    Maria tisked as she took out her phone and began doing things that she actually cared about.

    After 10 minuets, the teacher collected the bellwork, prompting Maria to put her phone away. It wasn't that she actually gave a crap about environmental science, it was more to avoid the hassel of having her mom pick up her phone after school.

    "Okay, first things first:" the teacher sang, her manerisms and tone having abbruptly changed from earlier "we have a new student."

    Upon prompting, a petit looking girl adorned in pink made her way to the front of the classroom and gave a shy smile. The sight of it made Maria want to gag.

    "Hi, I'm Amy." she said looking down at her feet, her thumbs twiddling as she did so "My family just moved here from Georgia, so I'm new."

    This introduction caused almost every girl in the class to errupt with "Awws", causing Amy to blush and Maria to cringe.

    Looking at the teacher for confirmation, Amy quickly made her way back to her seat, which Maria noticed was directly behind her.

    "Alright, next order of bussiness: the class camping trip."

    Upon hearing those words of terror, the students in the classroom collectivly groaned.

    "Oh come on," the teacher pleaded, trying to bolster extitement "this camping trip is a great way to get up close and personal with some of the concepts we've learned in class in a fun and interesting way. Besides, it will give you the chance to get to know your new classmate better!"

    Nobody was cheering, and the teacher finally gave up in defeat.

    "And before you ask, again," she braced herself for the backlash she was about to get "attendance is mandatory."

    A wail of outcrys infested the classroom as Maria let out an aggressive sigh.

    She couldn't believe they were still doing this. Did they have short-term memory loss, or something? Sure, Maria could think of a million other things she could be doing tommorow, besides going on a pointless camping trip, but she had known about it a month beforehand. Ms. Aster had told them that they had to go on the stupid thing multiple times now, and yet, everytime she told them, they reacted in the same way: whining and mueling.

    Having enough of it, Maria firmly planted her hands over her ears and waited for the idiocy to stop. She was already done with today.

    After about five minuets, the idiocy stopped and Ms. Aster began passing out review worksheets.

    Not being able to use her phone, Maria decided to see if she actually knew anything on it, and to her suprise a lot of it was just common sense.

    'What are the consequences of deforestation?'

    Animals have to move their lazy asses to a different location because some assholes decided to destroy their homes and lives.

    'How does a growing population effect the environment?'

    The idiots are going to waste all their water to grow more food because their dumbasses couldn't stop banging.

    Maria filled out each question one after the other, writing the answers in the plain, vanilla, boring way the teacher wanted in order to avoid a call home.

    Halfway through the questions, her ears were perturbed by the faint sound of crinkling, as if somebody behind her was slowly balling up a platic bag in their hands.

    The sound precisted for about ten minuets while Maria tried to concentrate on her work. It wouldn't have been a problem for most people, but for those with ADHD, like Maria, it was torture.

    She had gotton used to ignoring the jummbled sounds of everyone's voices, however, quiet, yet persistant noises still got to her.

    Becoming angry, Maria turned behind her in a rush of fury and saw that the new girl was the source of the hellish noise.

    "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" She boomed, causing Amy to drop her pencil and the rest of the class to stare.

    "W-what do you mean?" the other girl replied softly, bunching her shoulders together.

    "THAT DAMB NOISE! WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING TO CAUSE IT, STOP! UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU STOP!"

    Maria aggressivly balled her hand into a fist and began grinding it aginst her palm. She found it to be an effective way of getting people to do what she wanted.

    Amy looked like she was going to cry.

    "Maria! Office, now!"

    The teacher's booming voice cut right through the tension of the scene, and the other students resumed progress on their worksheets, thinking they were slick.

    "Me?!" Maria asked genuinly suprised "She was the one distracting me from my work!"

    She pointed at the now crying girl in an irritated fashion.

    "I don't care what she was doing!" Ms. Aster replied boldly, as if she was some sort of hero "Your reacion was uncalled for. Take your stuff, and go to the front office!"

    "Are you serious?!"

    She was serious.

    Maria thew her pencil angrily into her bag, and loudly tossed the thing over her shoulder.

    She glanced in disgust at the manipulative witch who had gotten her into this mess, wanting to punch every girl who was there conforting her as if she were a two year old that had an accident.

    Before leaving, she slammed her incomplete worksheet on the teacher's desk, not wanting to have completly wasted her time.

    As she turned to leave, she heard the crummpling of paper and turned around to see Ms. Aster tossing her wadded up worksheet into the trash.

    "What the hell?!" Maria demanded, pure range shooting out from her mouth.

    "I'm not interested in grading assignments that students put no effort into."

    At that, Maria turned around and left the room. Why even try? She was done.

    Instead of going to the principal's office, she went to the school parking lot and got into her car, no longer caring if the school decided to call her mom or not.

    As she exited the campas, she thought about how the other girls in her class treated Amy as if she had done nothing wrong, causing her to fiercely grip her steering wheel. She seethed at the thought of Amy acting like a child to manipulate the fools around her, there was no way those tears were real, what high schooler crys over being yelled at? Besides, she had it comming, was she not expecting to get backlash for that awful noise she was making? Of course not, she was acting like a child on purpose.

    Suddenly, a smile formed on Maria's face, as a devilish thought popped into her head.

    As she drove home, details flooded into her mind as she developped a plan to get back at Amy.

    Pulling into her driveway, she couldn't believe she was actually exited for the stupid class camping trip tommorow, as it would provide the perfect opportunity to get back at that witch.

    If she wanted to act like a baby, then so be it.



    #2
    The story has good fundamentals. For the small word count, Amy and Maria come across clearly, particularly Maria. I like the use of dramatic irony and Maria noticing Amy's "sound" (whatever could that be...) because of hyper-irritability. I like how a lot of the writing communicates Maria's subjective interpretation of the scene, rather than the scene itself. I like how you're foreshadowing the plot without being obvious, and how it seems like the story could go in one of two directions.

    The short paragraphs don't bother me like I initially thought they would. But try letting some of them "breathe" in the next chapter, particularly when Maria is planning or describing things.

    So yeah, good job.
    Last edited by donbiki; 05-06-2018, 01:16 PM.
    My stories: But somehow, I was still twelve years old

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      #3
      This one has a lot of potential.

      Assuming Amy is already in diapers: Usually, when a story has the character start off incontinent, it's like it's skipping the conflict to get a character into diapers (after which the conflict usually becomes keeping it a secret from others). When you remove a source of conflict you should replace it with an equal or more significant conflict. These stories can still be great; it's just that that feeling of lost potential is at the back of my mind while reading it. In this story, if I'm reading it right, you won't have that pitfall. Instead of skipping one conflict to get to another, you have both playing out at the same time. I don't think I've seen anyone here do that before. Depending on how long you intend to drag out the simultaneous conflicts (Maria trying to baby-fy Amy while Amy tries to hide her condition), this could make for a fun game of cat and mouse.

      On a more critical note, when you introduce Amy to the class, the response feels unearned. All that's described of her is that she's short, wearing pink, and shy. That's cute, yes, but not an almost-every-girl-in-class-goes-awe level of cute. It's a well-written description on its own, but it doesn't build up to the payoff you're aiming for. I usually wish that authors spend less time describing a character's cuteness, but here you could've spent more time on details to build a better picture.
      Last edited by TheOneWhoSees; 05-05-2018, 02:52 AM.
      Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

      Comment


        #4
        I have a sense that this is going to be a turnabout - the MC's behavior seems to lend itself toward some sort of discipline. The effort is definitely here, you're trying to emote, but your prose definitely needs some work. I get that the MC is an angry little ball of fury, but I have zero understanding of why she has such a hair trigger, that she throws these screaming tantrums over the slightest little annoyance. It makes no sense.

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