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Breaking the Girl - Chapter 18 (Updated 7/11)

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    #31
    I love how quickly things changed. We finally got a much clearer idea of just how little Dani really is. Julian just doesn't seem to understand how littles work and how much support they need. As for her friend Jenni, I think she's just trying to conform Dani into the person Jenni wants her to be.

    I'm loving this story. Its heart warming and sweet with just the right amount of conflict.

    Thankies for sharing

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      #32
      Originally posted by LilPeaches View Post
      I love how quickly things changed. We finally got a much clearer idea of just how little Dani really is. Julian just doesn't seem to understand how littles work and how much support they need. As for her friend Jenni, I think she's just trying to conform Dani into the person Jenni wants her to be.

      I'm loving this story. Its heart warming and sweet with just the right amount of conflict.

      Thankies for sharing
      I'm glad you're enjoying it! I've had a lot of fun writing it.

      Julian is likely vanilla and vanillas have no clue how Littles work. We don't even know how we work ourselves most of the time!
      Please, if you like my writing - leave a comment, they really do mean the world to me.

      Here's a list of my other stories!

      Comment


        #33
        Chapter Seventeen

        I let Dani sleep for around twenty minutes before I woke her - we still needed to go to the store and buy her a few outfits and some toiletries. She likely wasn't thinking about the fact that she didn't even have a toothbrush.

        "Dani," I said softly, shaking her shoulder. "Come on, you can't sleep too long. We've got to go to the store yet."

        "What?" she mumbled blearily as she sat up, clutching the squirrel to her.

        "You fell asleep," I explained. "You were exhausted. Come on, I made you a sandwich."

        She blushed, setting the stuffed toy down on the bed before following me to the kitchen. I had a sandwich cut into triangles waiting for her, with a glass of milk and a small pile of potato chips.

        "Did you.. you made me peanut butter and jelly?" she laughed, sitting down at the table. "Jeez, I really must seem like a kid to you, huh?"

        "Not at all," I sat down across from her, staring into her green eyes - the puffiness in her face had gone down with her sleep, but she was blushing, embarrassed. "It's one of my favorite comfort foods," I told the half-truth. It was one of my favorite comfort foods... to feed to distraught Littles. I hadn't met a Little yet who didn't like peanut butter. "I just thought you might like it, too. If you don't, I'll make you something else and I'll eat it?"

        "No, it's... it's actually one of my favorites too, thanks."

        Of course it is, I thought to myself, you're a Little and you don't even know it.

        "So," I smiled over my own cup of tea while she crunched on chips, "is Target okay? We'll get you some clothes and then come back here for some gaming and decompression?"

        "Yeah," she agreed, but a sour look crossed her face. "I need to call Julian at some point though. Ugh, that's not going to be a fun conversation. I mean, I have to tell him my place burned down, but I kinda have to explain why I'm not staying with him in the meantime... "

        "Just say you're with a friend who lives closer to your job - I am closer, right - and you'll be apartment hunting soon. Better to be closer - you can deal with the emotional underpinnings later." She looked unconvinced. "I'm not saying that you should lie to him, but if you're not ready to confront those feelings then you need to give yourself the space and the freedom not to just yet. It's okay."

        "You're right," she sighed. "I'm just kind of bad at hiding things - I wear my heart on my sleeve."

        "And I like that about you - but your feelings belong to you and if you're not ready to talk about something, you shouldn't have to. If he presses it, just tell him you're not ready to talk about it but that you will as soon as you are."

        "You're really smart," Dani smiled at me, placing a hand gently on mine.

        "Understanding people and feelings is part of my job," I shrugged, patting her hand gently. "Think nothing of it. I do have a question though." This question would answer a lot, actually - how deeply ingrained was her Little self? Was it close to the surface or was it repressed? She had good reasons to repress it, a lot of societal pressure - but I was hoping that wasn't true. She looked at me intently, waiting for a shoe to drop. "What are you going to name your new squirrel friend?"

        "What?" she burst out laughing - it made me wonder what she thought I was going to ask. "I don't... " she blushed, preparing to tell me a fib. She had named it already. Her Little self was very close to the surface - it was the only thing that made sense.

        "It's okay," I reassured her. "You don't have to tell me, even if you did. I was just curious... I was hoping you liked the squirrel."

        "I do," she smiled sheepishly. "They really are my favorite. And... " she paused, looking down. "I named him Nutsy."

        My heart melted - that was the first name I had guessed for her purse. A smile of genuine warmth spread across my lips as my princess stuffed too big of a bite into her mouth and washed it down with milk.

        * * *

        Our shopping trip began quite well. She found several outfits that would qualify as both "mature" and "business casual" - which for women was generally very formal. She stressed over the price tags, but I assured her it was nothing. I wasn't rich by any means - living in Cupertino was obscenely expensive, my two bedroom was four thousand a month and that was just rent. Thankfully, the jobs I worked paid me well - the benefit of doing someone else's dirty work - and I had relatively few other expenses. I had a nice nest egg that would last me a long time if I had trouble finding another job, but there was currently no worry there. Lots of companies were experiencing the growing pains that A-Tech had been. I was glad that job was over, however. I had recently bought an 18,000 piece puzzle depicting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and I was itching to start on it. After weeks of dealing with crying employees and blackmail, I was ready to lose myself to the purely cerebral activity of a puzzle.

        Once we had a week's worth of clothing, Dani announced that she was ready to go.

        Instead, I led her to the personal care section, and picked out a pink princess toothbrush for her. I was pushing my luck here, she might take offense...

        "Are you kidding?" she eyed it incredulously, though her posture didn't match her voice. She was pretending, putting up a front. She couldn't let me know that she wanted it, that's what all of the damage her friends and family had inflicted upon her was whispering in her ear.

        "I thought you might like it," I shrugged, not pushing. "We can get you something boring if you want, but I thought you would like something cuter."

        "You... you're not making fun of me?" she asked softly, looking down.

        "Of course not," I pulled her into a hug again, I could feel her breathing was ragged in her chest already. "I will never make fun of you, especially not for liking cute things. I love that you enjoy cute things, I find it absolutely endearing. But if you're embarrassed, if you don't want the toothbrush, we'll buy you a different one." I paused for a moment, letting my words sink in. "But you do need a toothbrush."

        She laughed and nodded, sniffling and wiping her eyes. I fished a tissue out of my purse and offered it to her.

        "Thanks," she whispered, holding back tears.

        "Princess toothbrush?" I prodded gently.

        "Yes please," she whispered, nodding and blushing. "I... I actually really like princesses. Is that stupid?"

        "Of course it's not stupid, Dani," I squeezed her before grabbing the pink princess toothbrush and dropping it into the cart. I wanted to talk more about it, but I didn't want to make her cry in the middle of a department store. We bought her a new phone charger and a hairbrush as well - both pink - and were soon on our way.

        "I don't deserve you," she whispered as we checked out - but I pretended not to hear.

        Once we were settled back in the car, our purchases in the trunk, I began the drive home... but I couldn't help myself. I needed her to understand.

        "Dani," I began, turning the music down as we drove down Stevens Creek back toward the apartment. "I want you to know that you never have to be embarrassed about your likes or dislikes with me. I'm not going to judge you. I love that you like cute things - squirrels and princesses - and I'm going to support you no matter what. I care about you deeply and I want you to be happy, and to me that means that you should have the freedom to express yourself however you want. As long as you're not hurting anyone, whatever makes you happy is okay by me."

        "You really don't think it's dumb?" she asked softly, her voice trembling. "An adult - I'm almost 30, Vanessa - liking stupid kid stuff? Jenni says- "

        "Jenni's wrong," I cut her off, "And the Jenni you told me about from college doesn't sound like the Jenni you're telling me about now. The woman who accepted you when you came out as bisexual? The woman who held you when you cried at movies with love stories? The good friend who accepted you no matter what, no matter who you were dating? The Jenni you talked to a few nights ago, the Jenni who told you to throw away something that brings you joy - she's not the same person you went to school with and I think a part of you knows that."

        Damn. I went too hard. She broke down again, sobbing and I wished more than anything that I had bought her a new stuffed friend at the store. I vowed right then that every visit to the store would include a trip to the toy aisle to get her some stuffed thing or another. We were never going to be in this situation again, where she needed comfort and I couldn't give it.

        "You're right," she sobbed. "She hasn't been the same for years now and it just hurts so much to admit it. She was such a sweet person! How did she turn into this bitter woman? She's... " she hesitated, almost stopping herself. I placed a gentle hand on her thigh and nodded. "She never has anything nice to say, she judges everyone and everything. She's racist now, Vanessa - our group of friends in college was every color of the rainbow, but now she has this... contempt for people who don't look like her. I... I really miss my friend."

        "It's okay to miss your friend, it's okay to mourn her loss even if she's still around. People change," I sighed sadly, I had a cousin who had done the same thing to me. When I ran away to California, suddenly she had lots to tell me about how Jesus didn't want me to be gay. It hurt and it had taken me a long time to let her go... I still ached, still mourned the loss of someone who had been so close to me. "People change, and it's not always for the better."

        "Yeah," she sniffled. "I'm just not ready to say goodbye to her yet, y'know?"

        "You do what makes you happy, Dani. I'll support you no matter what. It's okay to mourn what was - but you shouldn't let other peoples' opinions rob you of harmless happiness. I want you to be happy, and if that means brushing with a princess toothbrush and hugging a stuffed squirrel, then I'm all for it."

        "How are you so smart, Vanessa?" As we stopped at the light, I looked over and wiped a tear from her face. Her eyes were shining as she looked at me and I could only smile softly at this precious, vulnerable person who looked at me so openly.

        "Because I've been hurt," I answered softly. "I've been hurt many times in my life, and so I grew. There is no growth without pain, Dani. Comfort leads to contempt."
        Please, if you like my writing - leave a comment, they really do mean the world to me.

        Here's a list of my other stories!

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          #34
          TRIGGER WARNING: Consent Violation, Blood

          This chapter is dark.



          Chapter Eighteen

          "Hey," I sighed inwardly as Aubrey's voice reached me while I unlocked the door to my car.

          I had hoped that on this final day, I would avoid seeing her entirely. The job was done, the company kept Benjamin Harris... though if my read was correct, he'd be fired within two months for gross incompetence. I had highlighted his flaws and pointed out clearly that in many cases I would recommend releasing him, but that he had a chance to become a valuable asset in the right setting. It wasn't entirely a lie - I just didn't think that setting was at this company, he already had a toxic work ethic.

          "Aubrey," I greeted her solemnly. Her attitude was different, she seemed more relaxed. Good, maybe she was done trying to extort me.

          "Why is Kailee this way?" she asked. I was honestly surprised by the frankness of the question.

          "Sit with me," I offered, nodding to the car. I climbed in, unlocking the passenger door and waited for her to climb in as well. When both doors were closed - and Aubrey looked a little uncomfortable with being in territory that was firmly mine - humans are funny that way, we've evolved these thinking and reasoning skills but most people had no idea how much raw instinct affected their thoughts and emotions. Some primal part of Aubrey identified me as a threat, and being in "my territory" was further threatening. "Kailee is a submissive, to an unhealthy degree, honestly."

          "What does that even mean?" Aubrey interrupted me before I had barely begun. I leveled a solid gaze on her and waited, staring, telling her nonverbally that interrupting was not acceptable behavior. "Sorry," she added quietly.

          "It means," I continued, "that she has some drive to feel controlled, possessed, helpless. I'm not a psychologist and I'm certainly not Kailee's psychologist and there are a million different reasons why she could be this way. Maybe it's childhood trauma, maybe it was just watching a specific movie at a formative time in her life, maybe it's her need to feel validated in victimhood - you know that one is true, Kailee enjoys righteous anger, the feeling of being right because she was wronged - but it could be anything. Kailee needs to talk with a professional to learn these things." I paused, giving Aubrey a moment to speak.

          "But what if she doesn't want to cure them?"

          "Cure?" I chuckled. "No psychologist worth their salt is going to try to cure this, there is no 'cure'. Kailee is who Kailee is - talking to a professional isn't about trying to get rid of these urges, it's about trying to understand their cause and deal with any emotional trauma that's hiding there. Kailee has many unhealthy behaviors and attitudes, can you say that she really loves herself?"

          "No," she agreed. "I can't."

          "She should. Kailee is not a bad person. She is a selfish person, and she needs to learn to grow out of that."

          "Well that's rich," Aubrey snarked, "I didn't think you wanted her to grow out of anything. You got her addicted to diapers, Vanessa! That's the opposite of growing out of things!"

          "A diaper is just clothing," I countered. "Yes, it has a meaning, a connotation - but it's just a piece of clothing. Just because she wears a diaper - just because I wanted her to wear a diaper - doesn't mean she should be emotionally immature. We are adults - and it doesn't matter how deep the game goes, at the core it's an agreement between two consenting adults. She agreed to play, and when I no longer felt that it was right for me, I bowed out."

          "Bowed out!?" she snapped. "You left her a sobbing wreck! She cried over you for a month, every day! You tore her heart out and stomped on it, you heartless... " I pursed my lips and narrowed an eye, and Aubrey's fury abated somewhat. She obviously had something else on her mind, if she came to fight she wouldn't simply back down there. "You were harsh," she finished, her voice lowered. "Too harsh."

          "I gave her a hug, I told her that our relationship didn't feel like a good fit to me, I told her that there was someone out there for her, and I walked away."

          "That's not what she told me," the tremor in Aubrey's voice told her that she was doubting, unconvinced.

          "Let me venture a guess," I paused to take a breath for effect before continuing. "She told you that I said I hated her and that I never wanted to see her again, that I was a terrible and mean person who refused to give her another chance, and that it wasn't fair?"

          "That's... pretty close, actually."

          "I was gentle, Aubrey," I sighed. "You heard her pain, not reality. To her, in her mind, that is what I said - that was her interpretation of what I said, that was her experience. And I can't deny that's what she felt - but that's not what I said. I dated her for eight months and it ended almost three years ago. I have moved on. I never wanted to hurt her, but I'm not going to spend my life helping her overcome her damage, that's her responsibility. Too many people overlook these glaring cracks in their partner, or they don't discover these problems until they're years into the relationship and they don't want to just 'throw it away' because they've invested so much. It's the Sunk Cost Fallacy - and I don't fall for it."

          "You're cold," Aubrey said softly.

          "I'm practical," I replied. "I care about her wellbeing, but I refuse to take responsibility for it and if I continued to play the mommy role for her, that's exactly what I'd be doing. Kailee does need someone to help her - but it's not me."

          "What does she want?" Aubrey asked - there was a solemn, timid tone to her voice.

          "I am not the person to ask. How can I tell you what Kailee wants? Only she can do that."

          "But she can't!" Aubrey's fists were tight on her thighs, she was hurting for her friend. That I could understand. "She can't, Vanessa. I keep asking her, I keep asking her what she wants but she never tells me anything that makes sense. What did she want from you?"

          I sighed again, a weary sound.

          "She wants to be controlled," I offered. "She wants someone to physically dominate her."

          "Why does she want someone to hit her?" Aubrey asked, frustrated - she wasn't hearing me.

          "Again, I can't tell you why. There are a multitude of reasons - but I can tell you this, it's not wrong to want that kind of attention from someone you trust. I recommend that you find a couples counselor."

          "We're not a couple," Aubrey's eyes narrowed. "I'm not gay." She was so defensive, so offended by the thought... it was funny to me how a person could be accepting of others - she was accepting of Kailee - but have this internalized homophobia, that it was okay for everyone else but it couldn't possibly be okay for them. To me, I could read it plain as day... I had seen it enough in my life.

          "A couples counselor can also see friends - they teach communication skills, Aubrey. That's all."

          "It's not wrong to give her what she wants, right?" Pain. Seeking reassurance. Seeking permission. They both had so much learning to do about themselves. But I refused to step into that lion's den - I refused to be responsible for their mess.

          "She's not wrong for wanting it, and what two consenting adults do in their own time is their business. But Aubrey," I laid a hand gently on her shoulder. "Don't do something because you feel obligated. If you give yourself in a way that makes you feel bad, it will only lead to resentment. Kailee is responsible for herself, for her own feelings."

          "Yeah well," she said bitterly, "Not all of us can walk away from someone we care about when they're hurting."

          Before I could reply, she was out of the car and storming off.

          What a mess.

          * * *

          I stomped away from Vanessa's car, fuming.

          She's such a cold bitch.

          The Terminator. She terminated Kailee's relationship just like she terminated hundreds of jobs at A-Tech. Cold. Calculated. Unfeeling.

          How could that beast have the gall to tell me about emotional health? She barely had emotions!

          Kailee had been happier in the past two weeks than I had seen her in months. She liked me being her nanny - I couldn't stomach her calling me "mommy", not after watching her call Vanessa that for so long - she liked how I took charge. Vanessa was right about one thing - she did want to be controlled.

          But it took so much time and effort. It was so draining, trying to do this for her, trying to make her happy. What about what made me happy?

          I climbed into my car to drive home - I was glad Vanessa was out of my life. And when I got home, I was forbidding Kailee from mentioning her again. She wanted to be controlled? Fine. I would be controlling.

          The drive was quick at least. I was at the apartment door in under half an hour.

          When I open this door, I thought to myself, it had better be clean in there.

          When I had left for work that morning, Kailee hadn't put away the dishes yet, and she hadn't folded her laundry. She had another leak yesterday, so she had bedding to wash today. Three years ago she had been on track to be a supervisor at her job, managing the QA team - now she worked part-time at a coffee shop. She didn't have a shift today, and if I came in to find...

          Kailee jumped when the door opened, fumbling with the TV remote and stuffing it behind her after the television went silent.

          "Hi nanny," she grinned. I knew that grin. That grin meant she had done something wrong and wanted to be punished for it. She did that so much. I'd tell her to do something and she'd "forget", she'd purposefully do things wrong because she loved it when I was cross with her. I narrowed my eyes, wondering what she had messed up now.

          "Show me your diaper," I said after the door was closed. She stood and lifted her skirt, showing me a sodden, sagging diaper still taped around her. "Go change."

          "Will you change me?" she asked, stepping over and leaning into me, grasping onto my arm.

          "No," I said flatly. "I'm not going to change you - you change yourself." The idea of changing her diaper bothered me - it didn't bother me so much that she wore them, it didn't bother me that she peed in them, but I drew the line at handling them. I'd put her in a dry one after a bath, that was about my limit. "Now go. Now."

          "Yes nanny," she sighed, trudging into her room as if I weren't already giving her every fucking thing she wanted.

          Couldn't she see that I was doing this for her? Diapers weren't my thing - I wasn't even into women. Benny and I had a date tomorrow night at least, I'd get some attention then.

          I heard her vibrator kick on in the next room, and it set my teeth on edge. She was so careless... but I really felt angry when I looked into the kitchen and found the sink full of dishes that she had sworn would be clean when I got home. I gritted my teeth and sat down, turning the TV on... only to find it on a Pay-Per-View porn. She was wasting money on cable porn!

          I tried to breathe, tried to calm myself down. I wasn't going to leave her like Vanessa did. The Terminator was right though, she was selfish. Like a child.

          I thought back to my own childhood, and I knew what I had to do. I grabbed the wooden spoon from the kitchen and headed for Kailee's bedroom. I heard the rip of the tapes of her diaper as I pushed the door open... and found her masturbating on an unmade bed, laying on just the plastic sheet, her clean bedding all over the floor.

          And I saw red. Her room was a disaster, worse than it had been yesterday when I told her to clean it. I stomped over to the bed and tossed the used diaper on the floor, rolling her onto her stomach roughly.

          "Nanny!" she squeaked. I brought the spoon down hard, stinging her flesh that was still damp from sitting in a wet diaper all day. I brought it down over and over.

          "I'm going to teach you," I said between strikes, "not to be selfish. I'm going to teach you," she was squirming now, whimpering, "to think about others. This behavior is going to change!" As I continued, her whimpers turned to cries, which turned to sobs. She wanted punishment? Fine. She wanted control? Fine. But she was going to learn from it.

          "Stop, Aubrey!" she writhed. I put my hand firmly on the back of her neck and held her there, bringing the spoon down on her bottom mercilessly.

          "The dishes aren't done, your room is a mess, you wasted money on porn, and you're just in here masturbating!"

          "Fuck Aubrey! Red! Red! Stop!"

          I knew I was supposed to stop there, I knew I was supposed to listen to that word, but red was in my vision. And she wasn't going to learn if she could stop a punishment whenever she wanted.

          When I did stop, she was a sobbing mess, begging and promising to be better. Blood dripped down her thigh, I had broken her skin at some point - the wound was angry and red on her bottom.

          I looked down at her, heard her begging, heard myself, my child self in her cries.

          And I hated myself.

          "I don't want to ever have to do that again," I said, throwing the spoon to the ground. "I need you to listen."

          As my mother's words came from my mouth, I walked away.

          I wasn't going to abandon her like Vanessa did. I was going to fix her if it killed me.
          Please, if you like my writing - leave a comment, they really do mean the world to me.

          Here's a list of my other stories!

          Comment


            #35
            Holy poo!!! Wow, I'm blown away. Audrey is going to traumatize Kailie. She probably just did. I see this is clearly a relationship going down the rabbit hole. The intensity of that ending was a big change in the feel of this story. I must say I liked it. It creates a level of reality that wasn't there before. Two people that live through their emotions. Its very true that some people act this way. They don't know how to just acknowledge the emotion is there and then take the time to process the situation that caused it so the can determine a proper, healthy way to deal with it. I must say this a very great adaption to their personalities. Wonderful job.

            Thankies for posting

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              #36
              Wow! First of all, I really love how Vanessa is treating others, Dani especially, but also Audrey. Though she may seem cold, she is actually very understanding of others, their needs, emotions, and her own limits. She may come off as direct, but also says what needs to be said in order to resolve issues in the most effective manner. She is also very loving and caring to her friends and Dani. I absolutely love all of this about her.

              Second, that last scene. The violence, that was okay, but going after the safe word, that got to me. Felt it right in the feels, and it hurt. You did a wonderful job creating something that evoked such a powerful emotional response. Congrats, and keep it up!
              If you like my stories, help me with my coffee habit @ https://ko-fi.com/N4N6G9K4

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                #37
                Just curius but will we see another new chapter in the future ?

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