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SIx candles

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    SIx candles

    Preston rustled under his covers as the sunlight crept in through his blinds. “Mommy!,” he called out. “Today is my birthday!” Darla walked into her sons room. “It sure is Birthday boy!”. Preston threw his covers away. Darla immediately noticed that his pajama bottoms and tee shirt were wet. . Preston remained on his back as Darla pulled off his PJ pants, exposing a soaked Pull-up. She tore away the sides and pulled the wet diaper from underneath Preston. The same routine as many other mornings, Preston followed Darla into the bathroom. She took two or three wipes from the box and cleaned Preston. She slipped on him a pair of cotton training pants. “Tell mommy when you need to go potty, Lets keep these dry sweetie”
    Preston was very excited for his birthday! His family was coming for an afternoon picnic! His aunts, cousins and Grandma would all be there to help him celebrate.
    Preston continued to play in his room until lunchtime. “Let’s go sit on the potty,” Darla persuaded. Preston was wrapped up in his LEGO’s. He barely heard his mother. Darla asked again and Lead Preston to the bathroom. She stood there as Preston managed a few drops. I’m all done mommy, he declared. Darla wasn’t too sure but let him up anyway. Preston went right back to his legos while Darla finished backing the baskets for the big picnic.
    Predton kept playing and Darla came in to his room. “Let’s get ready birthday boy!” A smile came over Preston’s face. Darla pulled a fresh shirt and shorts from his chest. Preston stood up. Darla sniffed the air and noticed a familiar odor. “Did you tee tee in you pants Preston?” She asked as she stuck her finger down the front of Preston’s pants. His pants were wet. Darla once again went to the bathroom for wipes. Preston looked down as she wiped him down, scolding him. “You are seven now...just had you sit...should be able to stay dry!”
    Darla reached on to a shelf in Preston’s closet for a light blue bag of Pull-Ups. She pulled three out along with a small pack of wipes and put two of themthem in her bag. She slipped the other pull-up over Preston’s hips. She finished dressing him telling him that he had to wear pull-ups because how could he keep his pants dry at the park if he couldn’t with the bathroom a few feet away?
    Preston didn’t argue. He had been wearing pull-ups for years. He had really ever yet to go more than a couple of days without an accident. Darla loaded Preston into the minivan and away they went! The park was 30min away. When they got there, his grandma and all seven cousins were also arriving. Preston had two older girl cousins who were 14 and 16. His other cousins were all boys and younger than 5. The two older girls took the kids to the bank of the lake and then to the play area. Preston climbed on the big tractor tire while his cousins played at the swing. He went inside the tire and hid quietly. After a few minutes, his oldest cousin found him hiding inside the tire “Whatcha doin’ Pres?” She asked. “Hiding” said Preston quietly. “We are all about to head over and have cake and ice cream soon” she said as she knelt down to talk to him. It was only moments before it was clear to her the situation. “Do you need to go potty?” She quizzed. Preston didn’t answer but looked down. Amber had sat with Preston before and knew his tendencies. She walked him over to the picnic area. Darla was busy setting up. Amber took Preston to grandma, “this one has dirty pants”, she said quietly to Grandma. Grandma took Preston by the atm and headed toward the van. She stopped and grabbed Darlas bag. Preston walked along with his fingers in his mouth. Grandma unlocked the van and slid the door open. She lifted him up and placed him on his back on the floor of the van, his legs halfway out the sliding door. Grandma had his sandals and shorts off in a flash. She took out the wipes and fresh pull-up and placed them aside. She lifted his legs and ripped open the sides and pulled back the front. “Whew! You loaded it boy”, she said with a bit of disgust as she wiped away with the front of the diaper. She scolded Preston as she changed him. “You are SIX years old! To stand there and mess your britches it’s just ridiculous!” As she finished cleaning and was sliding on the pull-up Darla walked up. “Big mess mom?” Freshly diapered, Preston joined the group. As he blew out his candles...his wish...to stay a baby

    #2
    Ok - this one needs some help, but not TOO much.

    Specifically, all I have to go on so far is a couple people. I know little about them and there is no set-up for a plot. In other words, I don't care about them. We need more to go on there. I feel like you were in a hurry to get something down and post it, and so the first piece is a bit incomplete.

    Second, this looks like a big block of text. Lines between your paragraphs are a definite help when we are all ready on screens.

    Third - the paragraphs themselves. You're shoving too much into them. You should start a new paragraph with each new thought or scene, and especially with each new person who speaks.

    Comment


      #3
      Originally posted by Kita Sparkles View Post
      Ok - this one needs some help, but not TOO much.

      Specifically, all I have to go on so far is a couple people. I know little about them and there is no set-up for a plot. In other words, I don't care about them. We need more to go on there. I feel like you were in a hurry to get something down and post it, and so the first piece is a bit incomplete.

      Second, this looks like a big block of text. Lines between your paragraphs are a definite help when we are all ready on screens.

      Third - the paragraphs themselves. You're shoving too much into them. You should start a new paragraph with each new thought or scene, and especially with each new person who speaks.
      I have to agree add Details on your Characters and make it easier to read then i think it can be a good start for a story.

      Comment


        #4
        The grammar and the spelling are pretty sound.

        When there's a new speaker, start a new line of dialogue. Don't squash it all together in one paragraph- that makes it harder for readers to tell what character is speaking. So far, the focus of the story is Preston's Pullups. Your characters are more than just their diapers; flesh them out more. That'll get readers more engaged instead of rushing from diaper change to diaper change.

        This is the start of a start- there's not enough here for me to judge how the story's progressing so far; it can go many ways.
        Grammar: the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

        Comment

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