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    Kendra Takes Ethan

    My first step into the world of writing ABDL/BDSM stories. Any and all critiques welcome, and I hope you enjoy it!

    Kendra Takes Ethan

    Prequel

    The boredom was the worst part. There were no clocks or windows in the room where Ethan was kept, and the lights were always set at the same soft glow, making it impossible to estimate how much time had passed. He knew his captor always left him alone for several hours straight, five days in a row, and from this he surmised that she must have a full time job. The idea of her going out, living a normal life, while he lay waiting in a thick, crinkling disposable diaper filled him with an impotent rage which, bound as he was, he had no way to release.

    For the first few weeks, whenever Ethan was left alone, he had pulled and struggled against his restraints, desperate to be free. He was young and strong, but that was not enough to stretch or break the thick leather strap across his chest. He was also denied the use of his hands, as they’d been locked securely into safety mittens since his first day of captivity, only ever taken off for his captor to trim his fingernails. The mittens themselves were clipped under another strap which held his hips in place, preventing him from moving his arms in the slightest. A final strap linked to a pair of padded ankle cuffs, which stopped him from rolling over or changing position. Even if by some miracle he managed to escape from these expertly applied restraints, he would have to find a way out of his “crib”, as his captor called it. Ethan considered it more of a cage, as he’d never seen a crib with a locking top, nor one built from such sturdy, hardened oak.

    Inevitably, his struggles would end with him sobbing quietly, wallowing in the helplessness and humiliation of his new life. He wanted to curl up, or at least hug himself across the chest, anything to offer himself a bit of comfort, but he was denied even this. The restraints were perfectly designed to keep him in the exact position his captor wanted, and no matter how hard he tried, he knew that she would return to find her new pet just as she left him.

    The only comfort he found would be bittersweet, as it came from his captor, the one who had confined him to this harrowing life of submission and monotony. Her cooing, doting and gentle caresses stirred up painfully conflicting feelings in the young man’s mind. She was the only other person he had seen in weeks, and he found himself craving her attention and accepting her pitying comments, as they were his only respite from his suffering and loneliness. But he also knew that she was the designer of this seemingly endless torture, and that accepting her reassurance was only playing into her hands, and that he was behaving exactly as she wanted him to.

    Such was her level of control. She wanted him to wear a diaper, and despite his struggles and protests, here he was in a diaper. She wanted him to remain in place in his crib while she was away, and he had no way to rebel against this decision. She wanted to perform his grooming herself, so of course, whenever his teeth needed brushing, face or body needed shaving, or he needed to be bathed, his hands would be kept well out of the way while she tended to him.

    And tend to him she did, ever so gently. Almost insultingly so, as if he were as fragile and valuable as a Ming vase. Perhaps he should be grateful for this, as he would have no means to defend himself if her desires were more sadistic or tortuous. In all his time here, she had never struck him, nor hurt him in anyway. She hadn’t even had to raise her voice. As she had complete control of every moment of his life, and was the only source he had for sustenance, simply withholding “privileges” was an effective enough method of control. A skipped meal or extra time sitting in a diaper in need of changing ensured enthusiastic compliance without the need for harsher methods.

    But the tenderness of her care was a double edged sword, igniting the flames of indignation and resentment that often washed over him in truly humiliating moments.

    “I am a grown man!” his mind would scream internally, as she gently ran her soft fingers over the baby powder covering his penis and testicles. The knowledge that he could take care of himself, but was trapped in a position where that was impossible was truly maddening. It was like he had driven into one of life’s dead ends, and he had no way to back out.

    Ethan writhed pointlessly in his restraints once more, and thought back bitterly to how this state of affairs came to be. If only he had gotten into that taxi! If only he had listened to his mind, rather than his cock! If only he had put up more resistance while he still had a chance…


    Chapter 1

    “I’m telling you, if you play like you did today for the rest of the season, we might make it to the finals! Hell, we might even make it to Nationals!”

    Ethan grinned and looked over at his drunken teammate. Peter was much shorter than the rest of the players on the rugby team, but he was undeniably burly and stout, and had a contagious enthusiasm that Ethan respected.

    And Peter’s declaration wasn’t far from the truth. As head prop, Ethan used his considerable strength and endurance to gain the advantage in nearly every scrum. After a game like that, and after polishing off one too many celebratory beers at the college pub, Ethan was feeling on top of the world.

    He sat comfortably in the booth surrounded by his jubilant teammates, and ran his fingers through his close cropped brown hair. He had a habit of doing so often in social situations, as it gave him an opportunity to show off his biceps. He felt his musculature was his best asset when interacting with strangers. Although a well sculpted man, he tended to have anxiety in public places, especially around women. But all that anxiety disappeared when he was on the rugby field.

    “One game at a time, boys. The seasons only just begun,” Ethan replied.

    Peter waved a dismissive hand at Ethan’s modest response and shouted for the waitress to bring the team a tray of shooters.

    “Be pessimistic if you like, my friend. But tonight we’re celebrating. You should do the same. No practice in the morning, and there’s plenty of girls in here who saw the game today. I for one, don’t intend to leave this pub by myself.”

    And with that, Peter downed his shooter, and promptly walked away to strike up a conversation with two girls huddled close together at the bar.

    Ethan was jealous of Peter’s confidence when dealing with women. Although he was attractive and athletic himself, he always seemed to get tongue-tied and make a fool of himself when he tried to flirt. But perhaps tonight would be different. Peter was right, many of the women in the pub had likely seen him excel on the field today, and perhaps he could parlay that into a one-night-stand.

    Downing his own shooter, Ethan hesitated, then grabbed a second one, which one of his teammates had declined. A few drinks should help serve as social lubrication, he reasoned.

    The rest of the night was a bit of a blur, with lots of laughing with his teammates, plenty of libations, and several drunken conversations with the women attending the pub, some more successful than others. He felt confident talking with Alice, a blonde nursing major wearing a short summer dress, but she left quite early, rebuffing his clumsy offer to walk her home.

    Later he met Kendra, a tall, dark beauty who seemed a few years older, dressed in what Ethan recognized as expensive clothing. She sipped slowly at her drink, and listened to Ethan’s attempts to boast about his athletic prowess on the field today. She was quite tall for a woman, only a few inches shy of Ethan’s six foot frame, and her tasteful but flirty outfit showed off her curves marvellously. When her dark eyes locked with his, even in his drunken state, he felt his heart flutter.

    “That’s adorable sweetie,” she said, a sly smile playing across her face. From that response, Ethan realized he had little chance of seducing Kendra, so he awkwardly dismissed himself, and wished her a good night.

    His teammates gradually started leaving the pub as the night wore on, some with a partner for the night, some without, as Ethan continued drinking and trying his luck with more girls. However, he had passed the tipping point between the drinks giving him confidence, and his drunkenness impeding his judgement.

    The next hour or so was blurry in his mind, until a woman splashing her drink in his face brought him back to reality. He wasn’t even sure what he had said to offend her, but when he saw the bouncer approaching, he decided it was time to cut his losses and leave.

    He half-stumbled out of the pub into the street, sat down on the curb, and used his smartphone to summon a taxi. Too exhausted to even be frustrated by his failure, or embarrassed by his actions at the end of the night, he leaned his head on one hand and dozed, waiting for the cab to show up.

    He was awoken suddenly, by a gentle voice very close to him.

    “Honey, do you have a way to get home?”

    Startled, and blinking in confusion, Ethan looked up to see Kendra kneeling down close to him. He struggled to respond.

    “Yehh… I’ve got cab. A cab coming.” His head was spinning, and he just wanted to wait for his cab in peace, but Kendra stayed kneeling close to him, close enough that he could smell the soft perfume she was wearing.

    “Sweetie, why don’t you let me give you a lift? Hmm? You could save a little money, and we could… talk a bit,” Kendra said with her same sly smile, and began gently rubbing Ethan’s back. At the contact, Ethan immediately began to get aroused.

    Right on cue, his taxi pulled up and screeched to a halt. The driver rolled down the window.

    “You Ethan?” the cab-driver called out impatiently.

    A long, fateful moment passed before Ethan made the worst mistake of his life.

    “No.”

    * * *

    As Kendra drove her luxurious SUV through the silent streets, she kept talking and flirting with the boy in an effort to keep him awake. She wondered how aware the boy was that she hadn’t asked where he lived, perhaps he thought she was taking him back to her place for a night of casual sex.

    She smirked at the thought. Although the boy was good looking, she was certainly not attracted to him in a carnal manner. He was too sweet, too innocent too… cute, in the way a puppy or small child might be. She had something else in mind for him.

    His replies to her attempts at conversation were becoming shorter, more slurred as she got closer to her neighborhood. This would not do, she needed him alert enough to walk into her house without a fuss, and without anyone seeing.

    Upon stopping at a red light, she rested her right hand on the boy’s inner thigh and leaned in close to him.

    “Poor baby, you seem all tuckered out. Are you too sleepy to play? I have so many fun things planned for you, it would be a shame if you missed out.”

    The boy shifted in his seat excitedly, and Kendra felt his member stiffen through his jeans, and gently brushed against it as she pulled her hand away. It was amazing how much more alert he became from such a minor action. Men were such simple creatures.

    “It’ll take more than a few drinks to keep me from a beauty like you Kendra… I’m going to give you a real night to remember,” Ethan said, a little more steadily than before.

    Kendra smiled. Ethan didn’t know how right he was.


    * * *

    As the SUV arrived at Kendra’s impressive home, Ethan looked up in wonderment. The whole property was surrounded by an immense, neatly tended hedge, and the long driveway was blocked off by a high, black gate. The house itself was massive, and had the look of one of the old Victorian estates common in the area, but much more modernized.

    “Quite a place you got here…” Ethan mumbled, as they pulled into the driveway and the electronic gate closed behind them.

    “Yes it is sweetie… Yes it is. Now come on, let’s get you inside,” responded Kendra, still wearing that sly smile.

    Ethan managed to stumble up to the entrance of the mansion, and Kendra unlocked the door, let herself and the boy in, and then shut it behind them. As he heard the door lock, some small part of his mind began to feel uneasy. But his excitement about his impending night of pleasure with Kendra stifled any fears, and when she took his hand and started leading him upstairs, he meekly followed.

    Once inside Kendra’s lavishly decorated bedroom, Ethan placed his hand on Kendra’s waist and tried to lean in for a kiss, only to be rebuffed, with Kendra reaching out and gently stroking his cheek.

    “Naughty boy… You need to slow down. Let’s get you undressed first.”

    Ethan smiled and blushed at Kendra’s kinky statement. He had never been one for freaky sex, much more preferring vanilla encounters, with him in control of the situation. But he was no prude, and if this is what turned Kendra on, he was happy to oblige.

    As Ethan reached down to pull his shirt off, Kendra grasped each of his hands gently, and stared into his eyes. He couldn’t help but melt under her gaze, something about her dark eyes were so persuasive, so… powerful.

    “Baby, let me take care of that for you.”

    And with that, Kendra began slowly and gently undressing Ethan, until he stood only in his boxer-briefs, his intense arousal made obvious by his member straining against the fabric.

    “Ohhh, looks like my boy is VERY excited… I know just how to take care of that.”

    She gently slid down his underwear, exposing his impressive cock. Kendra was somewhat surprised, given his meek, almost childlike personality, she expected something smaller. Having kneeled down to remove his last shred of clothes, Kendra looked up at Ethan, her face inches away from his cock, making him shudder in anticipation.

    “My, my… What a big boy you are. But are you a good boy?”

    Ethan was surprised by the question. Was this some kind of kinky roleplay? He was a bit too drunk and exhausted to keep up, but he found himself nodding, his arousal making him feel very suggestible.

    “You are? Well that’s good sweetie! Very good. Because good boys follow instructions. Can you follow my instructions like a good boy?”

    As drunk as he was, Ethan once again felt uneasiness creep into his mind. It seemed Kendra was much kinkier than he was, but even so, he felt himself nodding his head, desperate for the gorgeous woman before him to relieve his aching cock.

    “You will? What a very good boy! I’ll keep it very simple for you, baby, since I know you’re not at you best. I want you to lie down on your back on the middle of the bed, and I’ll take care of the rest.”

    Ethan was all too eager to oblige, scurrying over to her king-sized bed and positioning himself in the middle, his cock pointing up in the air like a desperate flag pole. Even with Kendra’s peculiar kinky games, at least it seemed he was finally going to get the release he so craved. As Kendra climbed onto the bed after him, his suspicion seemed to be confirmed.

    She got on her hands and knees over his prone body, still fully clothed, lining her eyes up with his. His cock strained to towards her, but she kept herself just out of reach. As she stared deeply into his eyes, Ethan sensed affection, warmth and… pity? Before he could process that, he felt her grasp his hands, and slowly and gently raise them up above his head. He heard a small click, and then another, and felt something tighten around each of his wrists. With annoyance, Ethan realized he had been handcuffed to the bed.

    “All right Kendra, that’s enough. I’m into you and everything... but all this kinky shit is a bit much for me.”

    “Shhhh…” whispered Kendra, putting her finger to Ethan’s lips. “I know it’s scary, sweetie. But remember, you promised to be a good boy.”

    Ethan had had enough, aching cock or not. “Forget this. Un-cuff me right now, I’m calling a cab and getting the hell out of here.”

    Kendra looked genuinely saddened by Ethan’s words. “Poor boy… You don’t understand.” She turned and slipped off of the bed, opening the drawer of her bedside table.

    “I understand fine! And if you don’t un-cuff me right now, I’ll- Mmmph!”

    Kendra quickly and expertly applied the ball-gag to the restrained boy. It would be necessary for a while, until he adjusted to his new circumstances. She moved to the foot of the bed, leaned her hands on the mattress, and stared up past the boy’s still straining cock, straight into his terrified eyes.

    “No baby, you DON’T understand. I saw you marching around the pub tonight, thinking that just because you played some silly game well today that you were entitled to sex. But I looked closely at you, and I saw something. Something important. Trying to get girls to sleep with you didn’t come naturally. It was a learned behaviour, one you were quite poor at, by the way. I think you were just following the lead of your peers, trying to impress them. I think deep down, you’re just an innocent little boy, who doesn’t have the capacity to judge right or wrong. Someone who needs the right decisions made for them. Isn’t that right?”

    Ethan grunted into the ball gag in response, and struggled against the handcuffs.

    “Shhhh, baby. It’s all right. You don’t need to be worried, or afraid, or angry. You don’t need to be anything anymore. Just a good boy.”

    Ethan was truly terrified now, the adrenaline pumping through his system cutting through any drunkenness. He watched as Kendra walked across the room and picked up a small bag full of items that he couldn’t quite make out.

    “You’re going to be a good boy from now on, baby. My good boy. The good boy you were always meant to be,” Kendra said softly, as if breaking difficult news to a small child. As she spoke, she pulled an item out of the bag which caused Ethan to enter a renewed fit of thrashing and grunting.

    She set the disposable diaper down on the foot of the bed, and took a moment to relish in the sight of the terrified, helpless boy panicking in front of her. And Kendra let him panic for a while. She was in no rush. She had all the time in the world.

    Stay tuned for Chapter 2, as poor Ethan endures the first few days of his new life!

    Written by Eternal Futility, January 3rd, 2019

    #2
    Okay, your grasp of writing fundamentals (sentence structure, grammar, etc) is excellent. I appreciate your care in ensuring that your story is mechanically correct from that perspective. You'd be amazed at what I've seen out there masquerading as "writing" here and elsewhere.

    The problem we have here is that we have no character-building, no scene-setting, just straight to the payoff (in an ABDL story, that's obviously the diaper part). It's a smut piece, and if that's what you intended, then cool, but I literally have no reason to care about either one of these characters. I know nothing about them; they're just two cardboard cutouts in a scene. If you had started the story, for example, back at Ethan's apartment as he got himself ready to have a date with this strange woman that entranced him so when they met for coffee a few days back, or something like that, I'd have a chance to get to know Ethan, and maybe get a little glimpse into what Kendra was about as well. I could build some empathy with one, or the other, or both with a little bit of that sort of backstory work.

    Comment


      #3
      I appreciate the feedback! Perhaps I jumped the gun a bit. It was my hope to try to catch the readers attention with a look forward at where things will end up, but I suppose the weight of what’s happening it’s essentially... weightless, if you haven’t gotten to know the characters beforehand. Much appreciated!

      Also, wow! Hundreds of people read this! I really appreciate that! Unfortunately, I don’t know if anyone enjoyed it or not. Would it be inappropriate to post my twitter or email in case folks who aren’t registered here want to provide more feedback?

      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by EternalFutility View Post
        Also, wow! Hundreds of people read this! I really appreciate that! Unfortunately, I don’t know if anyone enjoyed it or not. Would it be inappropriate to post my twitter or email in case folks who aren’t registered here want to provide more feedback?
        I really wouldn't recommend putting your email address. This forum is open to the public and search engines. You can do it if you like spam though. It would be better if people would just register to comment, but a lot of people aren't comfortable doing so or are under 18.
        I GET KNOCKED DOWN BUT I GET UP AGAIN!

        Comment


          #5
          I see, spam clogging things up could be annoying. Perhaps just the Twitter then? I’ll think on that a while, not sure whether it’s a good idea or not. In the meantime I think I might write a part two to this, giving Ethan and Kendra a little more dimensionality as WBDaddy suggested.

          Thanks for the responses! I should have some time off this weekend, and I plan to do some serious digging on this forum, checking out some other stories and getting a feel for the community.

          Comment


            #6
            Originally posted by EternalFutility View Post
            I see, spam clogging things up could be annoying. Perhaps just the Twitter then? I’ll think on that a while, not sure whether it’s a good idea or not. In the meantime I think I might write a part two to this, giving Ethan and Kendra a little more dimensionality as WBDaddy suggested.

            Thanks for the responses! I should have some time off this weekend, and I plan to do some serious digging on this forum, checking out some other stories and getting a feel for the community.
            You could certainly do a second installment where you dial back in time. You did already play this card, so it's not the ideal way to build your backstory, but it'd be better than just pushing forward with two characters largely devoid of personality.

            The other option you have with Kendra is to walk us through what she's doing while Ethan is trapped in that crib. What does the rest of her life look like? How does she interact with people she's not kidnapping and trapping in a crib all day?

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by WBDaddy View Post

              You could certainly do a second installment where you dial back in time. You did already play this card, so it's not the ideal way to build your backstory, but it'd be better than just pushing forward with two characters largely devoid of personality.
              Or simply do a rewrite. There is no shame in that.

              Whenever you're holding all the cards, why does everyone else turn out to be playing chess?

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by EternalFutility View Post
                I see, spam clogging things up could be annoying. Perhaps just the Twitter then? I’ll think on that a while, not sure whether it’s a good idea or not.
                I'd think very carefully on this. As Penguin stated, it's an open forum. Not everyone who peruses abdl sites is an abdl or abdl friendly. Putting an email or twitter out there is a potential troll feast.
                Please consider supporting me on patreon: https://www.patreon.com/Cute_Kitten

                Comment


                  #9
                  Nice start
                  But it's true what WBDaddy said, no character development!
                  And for me the most important, I do not like sissy storys or men in diapers, who are held captive by women who are smaller than the man ...

                  This story remember me on my story too what i have write in german ... Die Venusfalle ... The Venus trap ...

                  A young Girl with 18 y come from childrenhome and her boyfriend (he is not realy her boyfriend)
                  He bring her to Humans who education young women into submissive women and then give them to couples or dominant lesbians to leave men to live as 2. or 3. women ...

                  What is your way?
                  She marries him and finished is his submissive life?

                  But your writing style I think, that's really good!
                  And welcome her too ... have a good start in this year
                  greets Nicole

                  Comment


                    #10
                    As much as I enjoy the works of your critics, I feel compelled to offer you a different perspective. Decent smut is hard enough to find as it is, but sweet smutty fiction that plays to this particular constellation of kinks is rare. Most people don’t have the technical skill, the resolve, or the sense of pacing required to really pull it off, so if it’s at all possible for me to share my learning and maybe help break through some of my own blocks in the process, I’d love to help.

                    If you intended for your first foray into this genre to be a character-driven exploration of the performative nature of toxic masculinity through the perspective of a heteronormative man as he is forcibly rehabilitated by a captor whose efforts to enculturate him with a value system that enshrines bodily autonomy, individual liberty and enthusiastic consent demonstrate a psychotic disregard for them, then go to town. But if instead your goal was to write a saucy erotic vignette with an emphasis on maternalistic dominance, forced infantilization, bondage, humiliation, and diaper fetishism, then this was a damn fine start. You opened with your protagonist lamenting his circumstances and gave us a titillating preview of things to come. Your first chapter offered us some insight into how and why he was abducted, and closed just before Kendra put him back in diapers.

                    If you want to keep going, you have my attention.

                    Your opening was nice, but I found your description of the room to be too sparse. I need more. How large is the room where Ethan is being held? What is it lavishly decorated with? What does Ethan hear when Kendra returns to him? Can he hear Kendra’s footsteps shuffling up the stairs? Does the door creak on its hinges as she pushes it ajar? Does the deadbolt clink into place as she unlatches it?

                    What color are the walls, the mittens, or the leather strap across Ethan’s chest? Should I imagine a kinky sex dungeon or a bedroom that doubles as a little nursery? What does Ethan think of the color palette? Does it seem feminine to him, or just oddly bright and colorful? Does it seem strangely grim and masculine? Are there posters along the walls? What about paddles, floggers, whips, or other implements? What kind of shelf space can Ethan make out, and what does he see on the shelves? Diapers, coloring books, novels, books on feminist theory?

                    How does all this make Ethan feel? If he hears Kendra coming, do the noises make his belly turn to water or kick up swarms of butterflies in his tummy? If she’s been gone long, does the knowledge of her return remind him of the cold, soggy diaper slumping against his crotch? Do his cheeks flush with shame, or is he maybe relieved that someone is here to clean him? Does he feel grateful, even though he knows this is her doing? How far gone is he by the prelude?

                    Laying on your back for hours on end will make your body ache and give you sores, and Kendra’s prolonged absences put Ethan at considerable risk, especially in bondage. How does Kendra keep him from developing rashes, cramps or bedsores? Do her precautions afford him any chance to escape? How often does she change his position? Does she ever turn him around? Does she massage him? Does she let his hands air out? How does she get him from the crib to the bathtub? Can she carry him? Could she overpower him?

                    You don’t have to answer these questions in the prelude, but they would give us a better idea of the arrangement. This is the kind of detail that will make for a much more immersive experience overall, especially if you space it out and draw our attention to these details when they become relevant.

                    Also, you may want to take a look at your favorite works of fiction and pay attention to the way they're written and formatted when two characters speak. For instance, I notice you tend to put breaks between dialogue and actions. Although this is sometimes useful if you want to gloss over something (e.g. one of Ethan's friends shouting for a waitress, an exchange of pleasantries over a meal), this can contribute to the sense that you're summarizing when you're really going for an enticing description.

                    For instance, instead of this:

                    Originally posted by EternalFutility

                    Once inside Kendra’s lavishly decorated bedroom, Ethan placed his hand on Kendra’s waist and tried to lean in for a kiss only to be rebuffed, with Kendra reaching out and gently stroking his cheek.

                    “Naughty boy… You need to slow down. Let’s get you undressed first.”
                    Try this:


                    Originally posted by EternalFutility

                    As they stepped inside Kendra’s lavishly decorated bedroom, Ethan placed his hand on Kendra’s waist and leaned in for a kiss.

                    Kendra rebuffed him, reaching out and gently stroking his cheek. “Naughty boy…you need to slow down. Let’s get you undressed first.”
                    If you really want to step up your game, keep an eye on your adverbs. Although there are times when a well-placed adverb can touch up a sentence with just the right level of detail or help smooth out your prose so as to give your voice a distinct cadence, it’s usually a sloppy shortcut preventing you from using a better verb or adjective. What does it mean that Kendra has a “lavishly decorated” bedroom? And don’t bedrooms usually have windows? Why isn’t she taking him to a basement?

                    There are other little things you could do that will make your prose more immersive. There’s no need to tell us that Kendra rebuffed his advance; instead, consider using a verb to do the heavy lifting. Don't say she rebuffed his advance, show us how (e.g. “she caught him by the chin”). As opposed to saying that she “gently stroked his cheek”, consider “brushed her fingers across his cheek” or maybe even “Kendra caught him by the cheek and brushed a fingernail under his chin”, because brush is a verb that conveys gentle strokes, and this scene takes place right when attention to detail is most important. This sounds trivial, but you'd be surprised how people reach for adverbs when there are verbs that are so much better suited.

                    If you are committed to writing smut, you might also consider less clinical language when we’re talking about body parts. Sometimes it’s useful to talk about parts of parts (e.g. the back of her nails, the crooks of his knees, under his chin.) I don’t know how specific is too specific for a forum like this, but you can work around that if you’re clever. Also, this line jumped out at me as an example:

                    Originally posted by EternalFutility
                    But the tenderness of her care was a double edged sword, igniting the flames of indignation and resentment that often washed over him in truly humiliating moments.

                    “I am a grown man!” his mind would scream internally, as she gently ran her soft fingers over the baby powder covering his penis and testicles.
                    If it were me, I’d say something like…

                    Originally posted by Hestia
                    The tenderness of her care only compounded his humiliation. I’m a grown man, he wanted to scream. But he knew better than to protest as Kendra upended the bottle of baby powder between his legs, sprinkling him with fluffy white flakes, and smoothing them out along his shaft and scrotum with the playful sweep of her hands. His objections only provoked her, and she lingered when provoked, cooing about the importance of keeping her baby clean and dry while she fluttered her fingers up his sack or stroked the length of his erection.
                    Hopefully this should help steer you in the right direction, whatever path you choose. I think you’ll find that people can be very forgiving if you know how to make them all tingly with your words. It’s a lost art.
                    Last edited by Hestia; 02-06-2019, 08:30:14 AM.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by Hestia View Post
                      As much as I enjoy the works of your critics, I feel compelled to offer you a different perspective. Decent smut is hard enough to find as it is, but sweet smutty fiction that plays to this particular constellation of kinks is rare. Most people don’t have the technical skill, the resolve, or the sense of pacing required to really pull it off, so if it’s at all possible for me to share my learning and maybe help break through some of my own blocks in the process, I’d love to help.
                      I don't think we're as far apart as you indicate.

                      My main complaint was the snapshot-like nature of the opening round - We're at the bar, we're at her house, she's putting him in a diaper. It was a big rush. Patient narrative, even in a vignette, capturing all the details of each scene, makes all the difference. Even Harlequin writers take care to set scenes and build (mostly cardboard, granted) characters before they bring the smut.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by WBDaddy
                        I don't think we're as far apart as you indicate.
                        You know, I suspected we weren't, but I didn't want to put words in your mouth.

                        Originally posted by WBDaddy
                        My main complaint was the snapshot-like nature of the opening round - We're at the bar, we're at her house, she's putting him in a diaper. It was a big rush.
                        I know what you mean, and I've seen this haste to get to the action kill a lot of stories as well, so it's an entirely fair complaint. On the one hand, there's nothing like a slow build with a big payoff if it's done right. On the other hand, I've killed stories by dragging them out to the point where I can't pull the trigger because the effort it took me to hold off made me overcritical of the story, or tired me out to the point where I just didn't feel up to it anymore. A lot of really strong writers who love to role-play are often very enamored with these lengthy backstories and opportunities for character building, which sometimes make for these intense, cathartic and utterly amazing experiences, but can sometimes also be clunky and unhelpful, depending on the nature of the tale.

                        With a story like this, if I were going to take it slow, I wouldn't have her kidnap him on the first date. I'd have them go on several dates, and I'd write about the highlights. Maybe show him becoming gradually and hopelessly more obsessed with Kendra, show him gradually alienating his friends (they make it to Nationals and he can't stop talking about her, they lose their shot at the Finals and Peter blames him), talk about how he loves being with her but he loves the sex even more--maybe the first time we see them they have wild sex and he's the little spoon, the next time we see them she's tying him up--now his work is suffering because he's stealing every spare minute to chat with her. Next thing he knows he's getting laid off, his friends have found another head prop, he has nowhere else to go, and she's spanking him because he couldn't hold down a job like an adult. Make it so that by the time he's bawling into a gag and suffering through a diaper change in her basement, no one knows or cares that he's missing.

                        That's one way. But I also felt like that's the kind of project I would end up revising to death, and the story was salvageable as is. I've paid for worse on Amazon. So another possible route was to just utilize attention to detail to give us some more insight into Kendra's character so that there seems to be a little more to her. What's on her bookshelf? Are there pictures laying around, and what kind of person is smiling back at Ethan from these photographs? Maybe after he gets to a point where he isn't going to run screaming into the street she starts bringing him downstairs to watch television with her and we see what kind of shows she watches, or we learn about her career through snatches of conversation. It's the author's first story, and if I had it to do over again, I think I'd much rather have written several finished stories that were all gradually better than to have revised a few stories until my prose became well-developed, and then revised them a few hundred times more.



                        Last edited by Hestia; 02-06-2019, 10:13:16 AM.

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                          #13
                          Originally posted by Hestia View Post
                          I know what you mean, and I've seen this haste to get to the action kill a lot of stories as well, so it's an entirely fair complaint. On the one hand, there's nothing like a slow build with a big payoff if it's done right. On the other hand, I've killed stories by dragging them out to the point where I can't pull the trigger because the effort it took me to hold off made me overcritical of the story, or tired me out to the point where I just didn't feel up to it anymore. A lot of really strong writers who love to role-play are often very enamored with these lengthy backstories and opportunities for character building, which sometimes make for these intense, cathartic and utterly amazing experiences, but can sometimes also be clunky and unhelpful, depending on the nature of the tale.
                          Even on a story like this, just filling in the details - dialogue, interaction, imagery - can make all the difference in telling a successful tale. The plot doesn't have to be complex or even unique, it just has to be engaging, and little things like how they flirted with each other at the bar, the small talk in the car on the ride home, and yes, the details of the scenes - tell us about the certain rooms of her house she leads him through as she takes him to what he assumed was going to be her bedroom. Maybe she offers him a drink? Maybe she teases him a bit to work him up in preparation for the big capture.

                          So many possibilities, even with a simple trope as the sum of the plot.

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