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[incomplete] Anxiety

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    [incomplete] Anxiety






    Anxiety is one of the most prevalent mental health problems in the world, with as many as one in thirteen people being affected by, most of those going untreated. With over 275 million estimated suffers world wide, and an estimated economic cost 70 to a 100 billion pounds in the UK alone. Right now it had me hiding under my desk hyperventilating.


    I was kneeling, rocking back and forth, breathing hard and getting an all too close up view of the institutional carpet. Most of the office was out to lunch, in both the metaphorical and literal sense, and I had the better part of an hour to get myself ready. I was in charge of a presentation that would determine my career, my partner's career, possibly the careers of the whole damn department! Come on, Maggie get it together girl, just breath like the youtube video said. In and out. IN and oooout. There that's it you've got it.


    It was in the middle of exhalatory pep talk that I felt a hand on my head. Frozen mid rock, mid breath, I was a deer in headlights totally still.

    “and oout” purred the one voice that at moment could melt me like no other. With a slow exhalation I turned and looked at her. I loved her dear reader.


    She looked down at me, the Florissant lighting tubes ringed her dark messy bun with a halo, the concern on her face made my heart leap. Taking me by the hand and cradling my head with the other she gently pulled me out from under the desk and into a tight embrace. In that moment, suffocating in her tits would have been the happiest death anyone could imagine.

    “What's the matter Mags?”

    “Just nervous” I muttered into her sternum.

    “That was far more than nerves, have you been listening to those files I gave you?”

    “Noooo,” I whined, “I can't ever find the time”.

    “Right, you're coming home with me tonight and I'll make sure you listen to them.”

    “Fiine” I said with a sigh. We slowly broke apart till we were standing together holding hands, leaning down she gave a long lingering kiss.

    “It won't be all boring will it” she said with a sultry purr to her voice. I was left blushing and stammering, she could also ways do that to me, leave me a blushing blob with little more a twitch of the lips.

    “L...Lo...Love you Liz.”

    “I know” she said with a wink and left me


    ******


    I stood in Liz's office, preparing for the big meeting starring at my reflection in the floor to ceiling windows that took up a wall of the room measuring my reflection against the skyline. Even all these stories up I was still tiny, I need to stand on the shoulders of giants to reach the top shelf! I curled my stockinged toes into carpet, some movie had said it was good to get over jet-lag maybe it'd calm me down now. Fussing and twitching at my clothes, wandering the room, going over the points of my presentation time and again. In the centre of the room stood a pair of high heels Liz had bought me, for luck she said. Five inches heels, the red leather reflecting the over head lighting. I felt like a child wearing her mothers shoes in them, as wobbly as a new born calf but she was so excited to give them to me over dinner I couldn't not wear them. I circled them liked a wary predator sniffing out a particularly dangerous trap.


    Liz poked her head in the door with a cheery

    “five minutes darling”. I must have made quite the sight; blouse collar half untucked, hair worried to a fizzy tangle, chewing multiple fingers at once, it's quite a wonder she didn't breakdown laughing. Instead she strode over and because setting me to rights, smoothing down my hair, tidying my clothes all while saying a constant stream of soothing nonsense. At least is was to me, I'm sure Liz was actually saying very sensible and calming thing but all I heard was white noise. Her swift fingers quickly had me looking more or less respectable, instead of a mad woman pulled throw a hedge backwards. She walked me to the centre of the room and I was about to grab the shoes when she did something odd. She bent down and started putting the shoes on my feet for me, gently slipping them in and buckling the strap, no one had done that since I was a small child. I held one hand to her shoulder to stay steady and watch a bit dumb founded. She made such a simple task so intimate and loving. Once I was properly shod, many inches higher, she gracefully stood up and with a move of such smoothness it should be studied by Lutharios and Casanovas for generations to come, took my hand from her shoulder into her own and pressed it to her lips in one fluid graceful movement.


    *****


    We crashed giggling into her doorway, Liz in between breathy giggles started shushing me,

    “You'll wake the neighbours ssshhhh”

    “I don't care” I bellowed “I loooooove you Elisabeth Chambers you stupid sexy goddess”. She only stopped me shouting by kissing me and somehow opening her front door at the same time. We crashed on her mat, in a scramble of limbs, lips and a moans. Liz got up first from our tangle, and closed the door.

    “You're drunk” she pronounced with the assurance of the equally sauced “I'm gonna make us some coffee”. With that she strode off into the interior of her house. I lay there watching her shapely behind as it regretfully disappeared from view.


    My feet hurt abysmally; I'd been in these stilts all afternoon, then in the Indian the team had gone to after work to celebrate, then a pub, and then bar for just me and Liz. It was sometime... dark, that was all I could tell from my vantage of the mat, so either the sun had exploded and we hadn't notice, a distinct possibility, or we'd been celebrating for quite awhile. Either way, I was not meant to be at such towering heights for so long, I would return to Hobbiton with my normal ease and grace. I began tugging at the strap and sole, the buckle was clearly formulated of some kind of impossible lock that only the greatest of cat burglars could undo. After much wiggling and groans I gave up.


    I heard the pop of the kettle and the question that follows it's tolling world over.

    “Do you want milk or sugar?” sang out the solo choir.

    “Milk and three please” I chanted back my half of the ritual. With the superb logic and clear thinking that will no doubt win me both the booker, nobel and a gold swimming certificate, I started crawling towards the kitchen. Liz stepped out, steaming mugs in both hands, to see me on hands and knees wobbly crawling towards her.

    “What are you doing?”

    “My feet hurt”

    “Then take off your shoes”

    “I can't! They're stuck to me, I'll have to dance and dance forever” said with as much woe and pathos as I could muster, I didn't get a B in drama for nothing you know.

    “Okay little miss red shoes, come on into the sitting room so at least you can be comfortable while you dance you feet into nubs”. I followed behind on slow and clumsy hands and knees, I could see Liz watching me as we made the short (for her) way to the palatial comfort of her three piece suite.

    “You know” She said looking down on me, “being on your hands and knees suits you”

    “Maybe I was a cat in a past life, careful I don't pee in your shoes” I said with a giggle.


    Soon I had clambered on the sofa with much relief. Laying head flung back into the soft cushions, I moaned,

    “Doomed, doomed, doomed to dance forever”. I felt my legs being lifted in turn and then my feet were free. Then Liz began massaging them, pressing her thumbs deep into the arch of my foot. My moans changed from dolorous to near orgasmic instantly. Once she was done I leaned forward,

    “Oh what do I owe you for lifting this terrible curse, oh heavenly angel”

    “Just a kiss!” A price I gladly paid.


    ****


    I wormed my way deeper under the duvet, as if somewhere under there was the cosy contentment of deepest sleep. I groaned and twisted, and after only a small amount of flailing I opened my eyes, the light was a blinding glare and set off the headache that had been waiting to pounce. I flung the duvet over my face and moaned, hangovers and I were long associates but they never got more pleasant. I lay there letting the noises of the day wash over me; great waves of morning traffic, squalls of bird song, sprays of children playing, what a truly retched day. The stomping footfalls of some gargantuan monster were coming towards me, I could almost feel the room shudder around me.

    “There's some water and aspirin on the side” whispered Liz in a deafening roar and kissed the top of my head through the duvet.


    Once she was gone I finally braved the light again, even if it might burn me to a crisp with it's deathly rays. Once fortified with water and hard drugs, I stared around the room. Some of my clothes hung from the brass bed frame, with one red shoe hooked on a nob. Liz's bedroom felt like something out of a gothic romance to me, the walls were a dark plum purple, with one wall an extravagant victorian patterned wall paper. Dark red curtains hung from floor to ceiling either side of the bed. The one thing that spoiled the look of the room was the fluffy pink dressing gown that hung on the back of the door.


    I got out of the bed, despite it's heavenly comfort, and rooted around in some of Liz's draws to cover my nakedness. I found an over sized tshirt and pulled it on, it came down to nearly my knees. I'm not sure why she'd want a shirt that proclaimed Bela Lugosi's dead but what ever. I carefully massaged my behind as it was rather sore from last nights fun. I vaguely remembered Liz spanking me for some reason, that girl must be kinkier than I thought. I padded down the stairs and wonderful smells greeted me. The sounds of frying were coming from the kitchen so I dutifully made my were there.


    Somehow Liz was already dressed, it wasn't even past noon yet! Humming away she was making a stack of french toast and bubbling away was a pot of coffee, it was a scene so domestic and wholesome I nearly got tooth decay. I kind of just stood there, leaning against the door frame watching her, taking in ever little movement, the way she tucked her hair behind her ears only for it slip back a strand at a time. I thought she wasn't aware of me but when she'd plated up the french toast she turned to me with a big smile and said

    “Ready to eat sunshine?”


    We ate and drank in a companionable silence, though she did suppress a giggle at the amount of sugar I put in my coffee to make it drinkable. When we'd done she leaned across the table and kissed my cheek

    “Missed a bit” she said with a lick of her lips. In return I kissed her nose and stuck my tongue out at her, then the giggling truly began.


    I sat on the sofa fiddling with the hem of the borrowed shirt while Liz tidied up breakfast, or was it lunch?

    “I should really leave some clothes here in the future” I called back to Liz.

    “I dunno, I kind of like you running around half naked. Makes me feel like I've got a little harem slave of my own”

    “I'm pretty sure even slave girls get pants”

    “I could always buy some clothes for you to wear here, I'm pretty sure I know your sizes”

    “Knowing you I'd end up looking like some victorian doll in goth boots”

    “Yeah but you look awesome doing it, and then we could have fancy tea parties in the park”

    “Keep dreaming love, this girl don't do ruffles”

    “We'll see”


    I sat there for a bit longer, zoning out just floating in the moment until I was brought rushing back with Liz's hand on my shoulder. She was looking at me concerned

    “You alright Maggie, you've been starring into nothing for half an hour”

    “Yeah, yeah I'm fine”, she just looked at me with pursed lips for a moment then said,

    “Why don't you try one of those files now, they'll help you relax”

    “I dunno, hypnosis, isn't that stuff just made up?”

    “Some friends of mine have had great results from this, so please?”

    “Fiiine, I guess it can't hurt”. And with that my fate was sealed. Soon I had headphones on and Liz was tucking a blanket round me.

    “Just do your best to relax and listen to the music” with a parting kiss on top of my head she turned the music on. Soft melodic tones flooded my ears and that was that.


    I woke up again but this time was much more pleasant, my whole body felt like it was floating on a cloud, every inch of me in perfect harmony. Moving my head slightly my cheek touch a damp patch, awww gross I'd drooled all over the pillow. My zen calm was out the window as I quickly flipped the pillow and hoped Liz wouldn't notice. In the scramble I became entangled in the blanket and fell to the floor with a thump. The sight which Liz walked in on was perhaps one of the top thirty most embarrassing moments in history. Imagine if you will your sexy, smart and totally gorgeous girlfriend walking in on you slumped headfirst on the floor, tangled in a blanket, with your bare ass and legs waving in the air. Like some manner of ass monster.

    “Awake are we?” came Liz's cracking voice as she tried her best not to laugh.

    “I am Asstor take me to you leader” I replied with much giggling and fake fart sounds, then we both collapsed into far more laughter than my bare behind deserved.


    *


    I pushed my way into flat, getting green paint chips on the Legosi shirt and my work trousers. I couldn't get any more eloquent than “Uuugh” and just stamped extra hard going in. The place was dim, were curtains half open and starting to bleach. A lone dripping tap set to the counter point of a ticking clock were the only sounds to welcome me. I really should just go all digital all ready, these damn analogue clocks and their monopoly on melancholy solitude just who do they think they are. I set my bag down on the breakfast bar, next to yesterday's half eaten toast with a heavy sigh. I pulled out the remains of yesterday's blouse; most of the buttons were long gone, and there was a big rip in one side. We must have been quite wild last night.


    I looked around my flat; it was dingy, anonymous and lonely, frankly it was a dump. Comparing it to Liz's place made me want to pack my bags at once. I'd been living here since my last year of uni, joined the company and slowly fought my way up the corporate ladder one rung at a time 'wachaa', insert the kung fu moves of your choice here. Of course one rung at a time meant kinda just bouncing from department to department for a few years. All my friends from uni had flown the world wide, Alex my old flatmate and sometimes crush was now setting up a Hong Kong based arm of the company! We'd taken the same internship together, do a little too much heavy petting on my sofa together, good times.

    But that was so long ago, seven years and I'm still living in the same dump I'd lived in then. With the same torn sofa, the same ikea plates, the same pervy landlord who stares down my top. Gods, why is it like this? Why am I like this! I flopped onto the sofa, curled up and hugged my knees to me. I caught myself hyperventilating again and forced myself to uncurl, my body felt stiff and alien. I forced myself not to think about my life, or work or anything for that matter. What did it matter if my sister was married with two kids, I don't even like kids. What did it matter that Liz never said she loved me, we'd only been dating for a six months. Oh Gods, she didn't think I was just going out with her to get an advantage did she? Does everyone at the office think that? Do they all think I'm some skank fucking my boss for a promotion or what ever? Am I? No that's ridiculous, but does Liz think that. Oh Gods!


    I was back in the curl again.


    *


    I lay on my bed, feeling like utter shit. I'd spent the remainder of the alternating between freak outs and zone outs and now it two in the morning and I was staring at the ceiling and the various interestingly shaped water stains. That one looks like a kitty, and that one looks like Jeffrey Dahmer, and that one looks like a mongoose riding a scooter. I may have been staring too long. I looked at my phone, not texts, nothing. I turned on the music player and the hypnosis files Liz had given me started up, I wanted to be mad at her but I thought back to how great I felt earlier. I stuck my ear buds in and let the music wash over me.


    I woke up in a warm patch of sunlight, I luxuriated in it for a moment and stretched. With an audible pop I pulled my thumb out of my mouth, I stared at my thoroughly bedrooled thumb. I didn't normally suck my thumb, this was weird. I wiped my thumb on my sheets and got up. I felt energized, I felt great, those files must have done the trick. I spent the day cleaning and generally giving the place some TLC so it didn't feel a total dump. Shopped and bought actual food not the ready meals I normally dined out on and finally cooked up some dinner and lunches for the week. I didn't care that Liz or anyone else hadn't texted, I had my shit together. I listened to the files again that night and woke up sucking my thumb again but this time I didn't care that much.


    I walked in to work with a smile for the first time... ever. Mondays am I right. So I made my way through the maze of cubicles to my desk. Even the corporate bland décor didn't seem so soul crushing today. I was just booting up my computer when I was hugged from behind.

    “Oh my gods Mags are you okay? I called and texted you a dozen times, what happened”. I spun round, the joys of spiny office chairs, and was presented with Liz's glorious midriff.

    “What do you mean? I haven't got any texts all weekend”. Liz pulled out her phone and showed me the string of worried texts she'd sent. I just shook my head,

    “I don't get it, I didn't get any of these seriously” I handed her my phone on our text log and the last text was from friday when she'd been texting me dirty things from down the table at the Indian restaurant. Liz poked at my phone for a second,

    “You had it on airplane mode”

    “What?”

    “Yeah look”. I stared at my phone is disbelief,

    “I am so sorry so sorry Liz”

    “You better be you goof” she bapped me on the head with a stack of papers, “For making me worry so much you can take me out for lunch later okay?” Of course I agreed, what am I stupid, well apparently yes but you don't turn down taking an amazing lady out to lunch do you. Even if I did have guilty thoughts about the salad in my bag, eh I'll just put in the communal fridge and someone will steal it.

    *


    The morning's promise of clear skies turned warm spring showers as we were on our way to this little bistro of Liz's fancy. So we dashed the last little way bags over our heads, giggling like fools. We settled into a table, our jackets thankfully drying over a radiator thanks to a kind waitress. We worked through the meal, chatting pleasant nothings. When I did something stupid.


    We were drinking coffees and the rain was lashing down. I was staring into the milky depths of my coffee, stirring in another lump of sugar in when I blurted out.

    “Why won't you say I love you”

    “what?” Now I was in it.

    “I know we've only been dating for like six months but when ever I say it to you, you either dodge it with some cutesy remark or you ignore it. Maybe I'm just taking this too seriously, I mean you probably just wanted a little office romance and I saw it as something it's not. I'm sorry I should go”

    As I stood up to leave, doing my best to stop the tears, Liz grabbed my hand and holding it tight but not looking at me said,

    “I know, I've just been scared, okay. I've had... I've had relationships end badly in the past... because of some stuff to do with me that some people don't... get it. So I guess I've been pushing you away because I'm afraid you'll react the same way, despite how much I care for you.

    “Shouldn't you let me decide if I'm going to act badly to what ever this is?”

    “I know, but” she petered out

    “But?”

    “But, you're so kind and sweet, so damn silly. I just wanted a little more time with you before I fucked it up.” I slumped back in my seat and we sat there in silence for a little while. Liz got up muttering about paying the bill, while I made a stealthy phone call.


    *


    Once we were outside I waved my arm trying to hail a cab, Liz started off towards the office but I grabbed her hand. She looked at me confused, the rain coming down between us.

    “It's only a couple minutes walk”

    “We're not going to the office”

    “What?”

    “I called Sharon, and told her we weren't coming back in after lunch, we're going back to your place and while Sharon think's we're having ludicrously kinky sex, we're going to sort this out.” Cue the most awkward cab ride of my life. We sat in silence with only sound the squeak of the windscreen wipers to break the tension.


    We sat at opposite ends of her sofa. She wasn't looking at me, I just watched her squirm for a moment before just blurting out,

    “Soooo, life shattering secret?” Liz groaned and put her head in her hands

    “I wanted time to plan before this”

    “Why don't I make guesses and you can tell me when I'm right? You're a secret clone of Hitler? No, your family is cursed to be plagued by an evil Leprechaun? You have a shrine to Kenny loggins?” Can you believe she threw a cushion at me? Trying very hard not to giggle she said,

    “Damn it Mags this is serious”

    “So are Leprechauns”

    “Fine, there's a thing I like”

    “Kenny Loggins?”

    “You're making this so hard, Mags” I just stayed quiet, with a deep breath she began again. “oh boy, I... I like girls in diapers okay”

    “Like little girls?” I said heart in mouth.

    “No, no, no never, girls like you. An adorable silly girl who fill me with joy.”

    “It's been a long while since anyone's called me adorable, annoying all the time but never adorable”

    “They obviously haven't been paying close enough attention”

    “So diapers huh”

    “Yeah”

    “Do mean just wearing them or?”

    “I... I want the whole lot. I want to treat you a baby; a little toddler, cuddle you, play with you, dress you, change your diapers, hold you tight.” After a moment's silence I said,

    “Why not just have a kid?”

    “Because it's a sexual thing, it'd be completely wrong to bring a child into that and there's more adult stuff”

    “Like” I prompted her

    “I find the idea of taking a full capable adult woman and reducing her to a helpless infant even for a little while so ugh, I need it. Degrading her and humiliating her and having her rely on me so much. I know it weirds and gross, I totally get if you want to leave now.” The silence crept back in again and we just sat there, looking at our hands. Eventually I said,

    “The first bit doesn't sound too bad.”

    “You're serious?”

    “I mean I don't particularly like the idea of shitting myself, but being cuddles and the doted on sounds nice. In case you hadn't noticed I do love attention.”

    “You'd do it for me?”

    “I'll try it, and I certainly don't hate you for it or anything.”

    “Thank you.”


    I spent the rest of that afternoon with Liz, we just hung out and watched Netflix. I made some popcorn and Liz pulled me into a hug as we lay there, watching dumb shows and putting popcorn into each other's mouths. It was nearly normal.


    That's how the rest of the week went as well; we were polite at work, sent each other dumb memes but never made any plans. Then that week stretched into two and finally three. So after a very productive workday of sending each other cat pictures I finally did it.


    'I wanna try it' - MagsaurousRex – Weds 6.31pm

    'It?' - HacketLady88 – Weds 6.32pm

    'You know what I mean it!' - MagsaurousRex – Weds 6.32pm

    'Ooooooh, it!' - HacketLady88 – Weds 6.33pm

    'So like how do we do this?' MagsaurousRex – Weds 6.33pm

    'Let me think for a moment' – HacketLady88 – Weds 6.34pm

    'We could do it this weekend, come over friday and see how things go? - HacketLady88 – Wed 6.34pm

    'Okay I guess that works' MagsaurousRex – Wed 6.34pm

    'Are you sure you're okay with this?' - HacketLady88 – Wed 6.35pm

    'No' - MagsaurousRex – Wed 6.35pm

    'But I'm sick of not being with you and I just want to get past this so we get back to us' MagsaurousRex – Wed 6.35pm

    'I've missed you too Mags' HacketLady88 – Weds 6.40pm


    *


    Thursday passed in a mixture of dread and excitement, drexcitment? Excitead? Whatever. It was nerve wracking, I don't think I got any work done that day or friday for that matter. I just kept thinking over and over what we were going to do. Oh gods was she gonna expect me to shit myself? I wish I'd had some idea of what she was going to do, least I could then obsess over that instead of this complete void of ideas. Admittedly I'd avoid googling this, who knows what perversions I'd find surfing down that bit of the internet. It probably didn't help I'd needed those tracks to get to sleep for past few weeks, they were the only things that would quiet the anxiety.


    After a day of clock watching I finally got up and headed to Liz's office, if I wasn't fucking the boss I'd probably be in trouble for how much I'd been slacking of late, it's not my fault I can't stop thinking about her, stupid sexy Liz. Sharon was packing up for the day at her desk just outside Liz's office. If I was honest I found Sharon quite intimidating, she was taller than me but who wasn't. Sharon was the kind of woman who understood femininity in a way I never will. Take fashion, my attitude to clothes is basically that they're something to keep the police from arresting you for indecent exposure, where as Sharon made wearing clothes into art. She looked up as I approached and gave me one of her perfectly contoured smiles.

    “Big date tonight?”

    “Umm, yeah how'd you know?”

    “Liz hasn't been able to sit still all day, she was so hyper I switched her to decaf and she didn't even notice.”

    “She hasn't said anything about what she's got planned has she?”

    “Not much, mainly how 'it's got to be just perfect'” she said this last in a credible impression of Liz. I might have blushed a bit at this, okay I might have blushed a lot but I'm not used to people worrying about impressing me. “So have you two made up?”

    “Trying too”

    “what was the fight about anyway? Which one of you is cuter?” I was mid way through spluttering a denial when a slightly frazzled looking Liz poked her head out the door,

    “Oh hey.”

    “Hey” My blush resurged with a passion and I was just staring at my shoes, gods above and below I felt like a nervous preteen about to go on her first date. Was Liz gonna take me out on her mountain bike and then we'd have sloppy makeouts on the swings? That doesn't sound to bad actually Liz is certainly a better kisser than Tommy Morris ever was. My musings of making out with Liz in a backwards baseball cap and torn Metallica shirt were quite rudely interrupted by Sharon's departure.

    “I'll leave you two crazy kids too it, Liz I'll be a little late in on monday.”

    “Sure thing Sharon, see you Monday.” Now it was just us, the silence was... big. I'd only managed to move my gaze up from my shoes to Liz's shoes, she had on cute light blue flats with a cream trim, and odd socks on, one had a somewhat stretched Garfield peaking out and bemoaning mondays. This was suddenly the funniest thing in the entire universe, I started, honest to gods, giggling. I am such a dork.

    “Mags you okay?”

    “mm hmm” I had my lips pursed tight to keep from more giggles spilling out. I must have had one hell of an expression because Liz started to look a bit worried for my sanity.

    “You're.... You're wearing the wrong day”, oh why couldn't I stop giggling! Now Liz was looking really confused, all I could do was wave at her feet. She looked down and made an ooh of understanding, then pulled me into a hug.

    “You're really nervous aren't you?”

    “Mm hmm” the giggles were bubbling up like hiccups.

    “We don't have to do anything you don't want to.”

    “No I want to try” giggle, “It's important to you and you're important to me.”

    “That's really sweet, even if it is coming from a deranged birthday clown.” My giggles turned to a proper laugh at that and that seem to cure them.

    “Better?”

    “Yeah, sorry for being weird.”

    “Never ever apologise for that, I like your weird”

    “I like your weird too.”

    “You ready to go or do you want to hug it out some more?”

    “One thing first” and dear reader I groped her butt and it was good, “Okay we can go now.”


    ***


    We took a cab back to her place, this time the silence was a comfortable one, we watched the world go by in it's rain streaked way holding hands and letting the night's neon bath us. We even made it through her front door without making a spectacle of ourselves this time, to my mild disappointment.


    Liz pulled me into the sitting room, turned on the lights to a dim glow and got out some wine. I must admit I was a little confused, but the sight of Liz's behind swaying back and forth as she picked out a record to play keep me quiet for a moment. She expertly flipped the record on to the turntable, breaking the hypnosis of her booty. As she poured the wine into stemless glasses a hesitant piano started up, soon joined by a wandering bass line. This wasn't exactly what I thought of when I imagined as Liz's preferred music. Some how I'd always imagined something with more corpse paint and voice boxes scrapped raw. After handing me a glass, she kicked her shoes off and sat behind me, pulling me into a hug, letting out a contented sigh. We sat like that, letting the music wash over us in the dim light. Finally when the record stopped with a click and Liz got up to flip the record I spoke up.


    “I thought we were going to do the thing tonight?” Liz looked at me for a moment and said,

    “We've both had a long couple weeks, I thought we'd relax first”

    “I know but...”

    “But we've both gotten wound up about this diapers thing. You know how I'd change right now in my perfect perverts fantasy?” I shook my head dumbly, “Nothing, other than you being a bit more relaxed, and a bit less dressed maybe.” She gently stroked my face, “We don't have to do it at all if it makes you uncomfortable, we can just enjoy this weekend and let what happens next happen next” I held her hand to my face and kissed it, there weren't tears in my eyes there were tears in your eyes! My voice did crack a wee bit when I said,

    “No, thank you for giving me this out but no. It's important to you in ways I can't understand right now but maybe I will, but more importantly you are important to me. I don't want this to be some disposable fling, and I don't think you'd have told me about this if you wanted it to be one either.” A tear dropped into my wine, I'm not sure who's it was.


    She settled next me, and we just kind of sank into each other. With a little clearing of her throat Liz said,

    “So how do you want to do this?”

    “Umm, could I try one on and we just do normal stuff?”

    “Okay, that sounds good, we should both change anyway, let's be a bit more comfy for dinner. You did bring some weekend clothes right?”

    “Yeah they're in my rucksack.”

    “Cool, cool, cool, cool.”

    “I might,” I turned away blushing, “I might need you to help me, I have no idea how to put on a diaper.”

    “It'd be my pleasure.” and she turned my face to hers and we had a long kiss. When we finally broke apart we just looked at each other for a long moment.

    “So upstairs?”

    “Upstairs!”


    I dumped by rucksack onto the bed and slowly began sorting though it, carefully watching out the corner of my eye Liz undressing and changing out of her stayed suit and into dark leggings and this asymmetrical purple shirt, one side coming down to her knee and the over barely covering her butt. Different but it looked good on her. I slowly pulled out a much worn sweat shirt that had the faded cover of the great gatsby on it.

    “So what should I do just lay down?” I turned around and Liz was pulling a big suitcase out from her wardrobe, the locks opened with a loud snap.

    “uuh, oh just strip and lay down on the bed.” I quickly shuffled out of my gear and lay down on the covers, the slight chill of the room brought me up in goose pimples. I stared at the ceiling, and listened to Liz sort through various russelly, crinkly, soft things, something even squeaked. Then she was standing over me, a large something in one hand.

    “I need you to scooch round this way sweetie”

    “Oh”, I quickly 'scooched' round till my legs were dangling of the edge of the bed. You're damn right I was blushing, sure we'd been naked in front of each other before but this felt different the power in the room had shifted and I felt kinda small and vulnerable.”

    “Okay Mags, I'm gonna do this like I would any baby, if it gets too weird tell me and we'll stop.” I nodded and she began unfolding the something. Of course I knew what it was, but diapers were small things for drooling babies and this was big, too big, and it was meant for me. I let out a very surprised gasp of air as Liz quickly grabbed my ankles and lifted me up and then lowered me down, this time onto a crinkling surface.

    “You okay?”

    “yeah, I just wasn't expecting that.”

    “Haven't you ever babysat before?”

    “No, who'd trust me with a kid!” She just chuckled at that and grabbed something off the floor. Then she began pouring powder over my crotch and into the diaper.

    “Talc?”

    “Baby powder but basically.” I must admit it smelt nice, the slight perfume made me relax slightly. Then I felt her hands begin to rub it into my skin, and I swear she wasn't playing fair. Soon a heat was raising up in my, and not just a blush, my back began to arch a little as her hands gently rubbed round my more delicate parts shall we say.

    “Is that what they do to every baby?”

    “Just the bigger ones.” As soon as it began she'd stopped and then I felt the plastic sides pulled tight and heard tape being stuck down.

    “Way to leave a girl hanging.”

    “Just think of it as a promise for later.” Then I felt her kiss the front of the diaper, leaving a red lip stick mark. I tapped my lips and said,

    “Up here big mama.” This made her blush out outrageously and cover me in kisses, I'll have to remember that one. Liz straightened up and surveyed me with a fish eating grin,

    “You truly are the cutest thing, I'm going to start supper come on down when you feel comfortable.” And just like that she left me.


    I listened to her walk down the stairs, then just stared at the ceiling for a moment. I sat up and crinkled all the way. I looked down at my new underwear. I don't know what I was expecting, it was white, with some blue stripes on it and big kissy mark. I poked at the padding, it felt soft, it was covered in some kind of plastic that made my butt feel a bit slippery on the bed clothes. It didn't feel too bad I guess, not sure I got the appeal but baby steps, heh baby. Finally I stood up with even more of a crinkle, okay that would take some getting used to. My legs were pushed apart a little bit but I could walk okay. I pulled the Gatsby top on and next looked for a pair of trousers to wear. Now here was a problem, both pairs of jeans I'd brought wouldn't fit over my newly enrounded behind. I looked at my butt in the wardrobe mirror, finally I had a butt worth the name and it was all diaper padding, why was I cursed to be flat top and bottom! I tried on one of Liz's leggings and they were comically big on me, any comments about kid trying on her mom's clothes and I'll be seeing you after class. I tried pulling the hem of my Gatsy shirt down as far as it'd go, a good chunk of white still poked out. It was a fairly oversized sweater and it was the best I could do, so with a flail of my long sleeves I crinkled down stairs.

    **


    I edged downstairs to the sound of sizzling and peered into the kitchen. Liz had a great mess of noodles and vegetables in a wok with a column of steam fogging her glasses. Leaving her doing a mummy impression to find a tea towel. What was I supposed to do, not giggle? Wiping her glasses on a caught up towel Liz gave me a big smile,

    “You made it down, I thought you'd gotten lost on the landing.”

    “Yeah I made it through the haunted mansion okay.”

    “What happened to your trousers?”

    “They wouldn't fit.” I said looking away and blushing. She bent down and kissed my forehead,

    “Your legs are gorgeous anyway, you should flaunt them more often.” Okay my blush was so bright I was lighting the room. Changing the subject before I was subject to more compliments I said

    “Soo what are we having?”

    “Pad Thai with chilli tofu.”

    “Ooh yum, how'd you make it all so fast? I couldn't have been discovering my fat ass that long.”

    “I preped it last night, the tofu needs a good marinade anyway.”

    “Anything I can do?”

    “Set the table? This will only be a minute.” So I dutifully set the table, even snagging a couple candles for a centre piece. Every time I bustled past Liz, with table cloth or cutlery, she had this naughty little smile on her face.

    “Whaaaaaat?”

    “What what?”

    “You're smiling, with evil intent.”

    “I'm just liking having a cute little helper is all.”

    “I'm not little.” I said with a bit of a pout, and twirled away with a crinkle at every step.


    With a final sprinkle of crushed peanuts and coriander Liz served up this noodly delight. We didn't talk much at first, just savouring the food and listening to the B side of that record. The soft light, good food, low jazz and Liz's beautiful face made for made for a hell of a mood. Even with my somewhat distracting butt. We finished the wine from earlier and started on another glass and I was feeling pretty relaxed. Liz seemed to have loosened up as well, the strain that had on her features for the past few weeks had smoothed out. Doing my best to twirl noodles with one hand I held hers across the table for a bit, I was probably giving the goofy grin in the world.


    “Thank you for doing this.”

    “What the food?”

    “No, though that's delicious. For letting us do this.”

    “You made this happen just as much as me, if not more so.”

    “But still, thank you. I dunno I just feel so safe here with you right now, like all that dumb future stuff has been locked out the room.”

    “You're worried about the future?” A squeeze of the hand.

    “No... maybe I guess, I don't know. I just don't have much to look forward too, I'm never going to be promoted. They've just moved me sideways the last three times I was up for one.”

    “Your last project head did describe you as a bit apathetic.”

    “Which I am I guess, I only got in because I was interning with a friend, well more than a friend, we covered for each other and got bumped up to the company proper and I've just kind of drifted since then. I can't even remember most of the last few years if I'm honest, while she's off conquering China.”

    “It's natural to feel a bit lost as you come on your thirties, I certainly did.”

    “Maybe I should quit and look for something else to do.”

    “Like what?”

    “I dunno...”

    “Well what did you always want to do when you were grown up?”

    “Nothing, I was always happy just being a kid, 'can I just keep doing this, please and thank you' I think I got my first detention over that actually.”

    “Really?”

    “Yeah 'failure to complete assignment' or what ever they called it back then.”

    “First of many?”

    “Ooh yeah, I think in high school I spend more time in detention than in class. I bet you were a real goody two shoes though.” I said with a smile and wink.

    “You really think that?”

    “Yup! I've seen your office, not even a paper clip out of place, no one that stuffy could have ever been bad.”

    “You bet?”

    “I do bet!”

    “Don't give professional gambling a try because I was real bad, bad to the bone.”

    “Okay missy goth britches what did you do?”

    “Set fire to the school library.”

    “No way!”

    “Yes way!”

    “What did you do?”

    “So me and this kid Todd had this spot in the back of the library where we could smoke pot and not get harassed by anyone, it was right by these two big windows so no problems with the smoke. Anyway one day we were there and suddenly we heard the bull bitch Librarian coming down our way re-shelving. So quick as we can we ditch our joints, Todd goes for the window, where as my dumb ass throws in the full bin and we run.”

    “Oh so it was just a small fire.”

    “Oh no, you see the bitch just thought she'd caught us making out, like I ever would with Todd gross, so she missed the joint in the bin and it was the nearly the end of the day so...”

    “So it caught over night?”

    “Yep, the entire back corner was torched, political history, economics and periodicals all gone.”

    “Wow, did you get caught?”

    “No, they put it down to an electrical fault, the place had been wired in the 50s after all, but I felt so guilty I started volunteering there, during lunch breaks and after school, school library was apart of the towns' so they were always looking for volunteers among the students so they didn't have to pay staff.”

    “Oh dang, so you became a real nerd.”

    “Maybe a little, they had an excellent horror section. That first year I made it through all the Anne Rice and most of the Stephen King.”

    “Wait, how did the librarian not smell your joint?”

    “Turns out she had no sense of smell, everything smelled like styrofoam to her. She ate the most rank pickled fish sandwiches everyday, and when I asked her how she stomached the stuff, several dozen times, she told me told me about losing her sense of smell in a gymnastics accident.”

    “Wow, so you were a rebel with a heart of gold.”

    “Maybe a little” She said with a blush. We'd cleared our plates at this point, looking down Liz said “You want to curl on the couch with some ice cream?”

    “What about the dishes?”

    “Leave 'em for tomorrow, they're future Liz's problem”

    “I can see it now, you all tousled haired, in your pjs shaking your fist at the sky 'Damn you past Liz, damn you to hell'.”

    “So Ice cream?”

    “Please.”


    And so a cuddle session of epic proportions began on that couch, we drank more wine, listened to records. Liz had a substantial collection, I was even allowed to choose a few though I was deemed too clumsy to put needle to vinyl. We had a hearty argument over the merits of American vs British punk that Liz won by cheating, she just leaned forward and kissed me and then we kind ended up a bit of a human tangle. Thankfully the wine glasses were well drained when they hit the floor, this ended our oral explorations and left us just kind of giggling. We may have been very drunk. I sat back, looking down on her even blasted she was pretty. Wandering hands came up and brushed my cheeks,

    “You're sooooo cute, you know that?”

    “Nuh uhh I'm scary!”

    “Missy Maggie Cuuuuutie pants is you.” She booped my nose!

    “We should go to bed, you're getting silly.”

    “Yes bedtime, cutie pants need to go to bed.” With as much dignity as possible we got off the couch and made our way to the stairs, along the way I felt Liz's hand on my butt and a finger into the diaper.

    “Heeey.”

    “Good girl, still dry, you'll... you'll get a gold star.” Next came the stairs, which proved a different challenge. Liz started picking me up,

    “What are you dooooing, I can do the stairs!”

    “No, no, no, I gotta carry you, you'll hurt yourself.” After a bit of squirming I gave in, I was feeling quite tired so I just put my arms round Liz's neck and carried me up stairs, with only minor banging into walls, all the while patting my bum and humming a drunken lullaby.


    **




    This is an older story I'd like to continue but I have no idea where to go with this, so all suggestions and pervert comments welcome I guess
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