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The Sphere (updated 5/3/17)

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    Re: The Sphere (updated 6/1/16)

    I love the story so far and can't wait for the next chapters. A couple things I would comment on:

    1: I understand why you had to get rid of the MLP game in favor for a different one. But I did like the opening of the original chapter one better then the rewrite. As for the ending of both chapters, I'm split. I liked the older one because when Brain started punching the dude in the face, it showed that he cared for his sister. But the ending of the rewrite forshadowing the doctor to shady was a nice twist to add.

    2: When Becca was entering into the sphere center to start her year long training to be an SPP agent, one thing popped into my head: Why wasn't there more circuity there? Now I'm not said there should have been a full battalion there, but like two to four undercovers. Since there now there is a drug out that people can buy on the black market and the government doesn't want the real drug to be stolen.

    3: When Crystal and the doctor were talking after Sasha got stabbed. I had a hard time telling when the two of them stopped writing notes to one another and they started speaking.

    I have to say this is one hell of story to read. I love all the twist and turns with all the humor, sadness, fear, regret, angry. and joy that you give to all the characters in your book. Like I said before I can't wait for the next chapters to come and to see where this story ends.

    I also wish you luck with the publisher and I can't wait for the finshed book to come out.


      Re: The Sphere (updated 6/1/16)

      The cool Spring breeze blew through Becca’s hair as she ran circles around the parks track. Her body had all but given up its protests of agony in the last few months since she was released to come back home. She rounded the last corner and stopped, heaving heavy strangled breaths as she gripped her cramping side. Sweat poured down her face, matting her hair and leaving a salty taste in her mouth.

      How far had she come since the days of being hospitalized? She shuddered as a memory flashed through her mind of wheeling around the empty halls in a wheelchair. It had been a year since then. A very long and painful year. Things were better, physically anyway; her relationship with her parents had been strained. It was awkward no matter how you looked at it. She didn’t know how to act. She couldn’t talk to them. She had even debated moving into Brian’s old house to get away from the tension between them.

      She was lonely. She wanted deep down to forgive them for locking her away in an asylum, but the hurt was there gnawing at her insides like a coyote chewing on a left over bone. They thought she killed her own brother. How could she forgive them for that?

      She leaned against the stair railing as she tried to catch her breath. Running had been her latest escape from the world. Too scared to go back into the Sphere for fear of being found, she was left with nothing but her reality. And it was nothing but a lonely existence. Anything green made her double take- a tree branch swaying in the wind, a car driving by. Was it her? No, how could it be? She wasn’t real anymore. Her best friend was nothing more than a figment of her mind. The doctors had explained it to her in the hospital. She had already figured most out, but it still left an empty hole inside to know for certain. Crystal was not a real person.She never was. The memories Becca held were nothing more than her mind creating a persona to fill in the space her brother left behind. But she still missed her. Real or not, she was like the sister she never had. What she wouldn’t give to see her, or even just to be scolded by her one more time.

      Becca let out a halfhearted laugh. The thing she was training for, the thing she had worked so hard to achieve was now a reality. The police force had given her a position. Sure, it was a desk job so far, but it didn’t matter. She, as a female, was working. It was everything she had dreamed of. What she wouldn’t give to share it with someone. Even her spot on the force.

      Even if Becca had to be the emotional and immature entity that was Sasha. At least she wasn’t lonely. Having three different personalities really was a mess at the time, but now she was just Becca. Plain and boring Becca. Back then she would have given anything to be Becca, and now… maybe being an emotional and overly attached child wasn’t so bad.


      Becca stared at the workload of papers she had to file and let out a sigh. The pile just seemed to grow and grow no matter how quickly she worked. She looked down at the paper and took in the company name. Azcorp went into the A folder. Dishcon went into D and so on and so forth. So many papers.So many hours in the day. She didn't question why she had to do this the primitive way, if they wanted to pay her by the hour for something that could be done in two seconds with a computer, that was fine by her. She didn’t dare complain for fear of reminding them her presence there was entirely useless.

      Becca set the pile down and sat in the chair. She unbuttoned the top of her blouse to let the air flow in despite the cold of the office. Everyone had a business partner. She could hear them talking and laughing amongst each other. Why did being alone bother her so much now? She’s not real! Get it together, Becca.

      “You know you wouldn’t have to do this if you’d just go into VR like you were hired to.” A voice said from the next cubicle. The voice belonged to Jim. She never bothered to learn hislast name and wasn't in any hurry to. His mere presence beside her made her long for the days of the academy. Stressed would not begin to describe how he made her feel. No matter if she was making the office coffee or filing papers, he always had to give his two cents. He was against her very presence here and did little to nothing to hide it.
      Beccatook a few deep breaths. She liked to pretend it was a test. She sometimes wondered if it was his job to make her time here miserable to see how she would react. It was the only thing that kept her sane. But he was right though, Beccaknew she would have to go back into the Sphere eventually, it was in her contractafter all, but for some reason they hadn't pressed the issue, and for that she was thankful. Besides, she couldn’t go back. They’d find her. Was that really the reason though? Was it because she was scared she wouldn’t be there?

      Becca let her face fall into her hands. Her relationship with her parents was on thin ice, her brother was dead, and her best friend was a figment of her imagination.

      “Strokes!” Barked a voice from above her cubicle wall. Her head shot up to find her boss looking down on her with a scowl. She grimaced apologetically and went back to work filing papers. Zentron went in the Z folder. Rasico went into R. “They want you down in the lab.” He said before storming off.

      The lab? She'd never been inside the lab before. Only those with special clearance could go down there. She on the other hand couldn't even get in the bathroom without being swiped in. Thoughts of being strapped down and forced into the Sphere entered her mind as she followed wordlessly down into the basement.

      The lab was quite expansive, taking up nearly the entire basement. White hallways twisted and turned revealing transparent glass rooms. Inside the rooms people in white coats and full body suits worked with various machines and chemicals. Microscopes of all kinds sat on tables, while VR helmets sat on hooks. Becca imagined this was where Zombie outbreaks started. She twisted her neck this way and that as she tried to steal a peek inside each room to check for human experiments. She wouldn’t put it past them. She was the byproduct of human experimentation after all. Why didn’t she get any cool powers? People in movies always got powers. Instead Becca just ended up with severe mental trauma. I feel jipped, she thought as she followed her boss into one of the white rooms.

      Sat at a desk was an older man with greying hair who sat bent over some monitors imbedded in his desk. He looked up from his work as he heard them approach. His face remained expressionless as he sized her up. “Please have a seat.” he said after a long pause. Becca pulled up a chair and sat down as she anxiously tapped her foot.

      “Have you signed up for the draft?” He asked, getting straight to the point. Becca swallowed. It was the first thing she was supposed to have done when she turned 18, which she hadn’t. She was reminded of it again once she had joined the force. Once again, she had put it off. The thought of an arranged marriage made her shudder. She slowly shook her head. She was sure they already knew the answer anyway. Lying was useless. “I see.” was all that was said in return. “We have selected a partner for you.”

      Becca nearly choked as she sucked in a lungfull of air. She felt her blood run cold as a chill ran down her back. They were forcing her to get married? Now?

      "Jim Savendest is looking for a new wife." Becca felt bile rising in the back of her throat. No please, not Jim! She wanted to beg, plead, and cry. Anyone but him! Not to mention he was nearly 35 years her senior! Her hands shook as they clung to the edge of her chair, but the rest of her sat motionless in stunned silence. She stared wide eyed at the desk in front of her before it began to blur. She only looked back up when she heard the man in front of her clear his throat.

      The man behind the desk smiled as he clasped his hands together. She jumped a little in her seat. "There is one other alternative." Her heart soared. "Are you interested?" Becca quickly nodded her head “We have a. . . proposition for you.”

      …................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .....

      Becca stumbled inside her house, the conversation from earlier replaying in her mind over and over again. Her face was sheet white. Was this really happening? She sat on the couch without a word and stared ahead.
      So she had been right in a way. Her job wasn't really filing papers, it was just to keep her on standby until they needed her. She was going to be another human experiment. They had given her no choice but to agree, the only alternative being marrying Jim the Office Prick.

      Becca had been so lost in thought she hadn't even noticed her father sitting down next to her. They sat in silence for some time until Becca finally noticed. Her first thought was to get up and walk away, but she was tired. Tired of the fighting, the mistrust, and most of all the loneliness. It was the longest she had been in the same room with either of them in the last six months. She fidgeted, feeling a bit awkward, but the days events had left her to exhausted to really care.

      "You want to talk about it?" Her dad asked after twenty minutes had passed.

      Becca slowly nodded her head and spoke barely above a whisper, "I'm getting married." He gently patted her on the back.

      "So they finally got you. I knew it was only a matter of time." He said with a sigh. "Do you know who it is?"

      Becca nodded, "I'm marrying myself." Trevor gave her a confused look as Becca scrambled her brain for a better way to explain. "They are getting ready to create an artificial human, and they want to use my memories of Crystal as a basis for a personality. They're going to bring her to life."

      "But isn't that good for you? Weren’t you friends with her? Wait... you're marrying a girl?"

      "No." Becca shook her head. "I'm not. They're taking her personality and putting it inside a male body. They've already started growing the cells in the lab. They say it will reach puberty within a year, and once that happens... I'm to marry him and have at least two children within three years and if I don't..."

      "Arranged marriage?" Trevor asked. Becca shook her head.



        Re: The Sphere (updated 5/3/17)

        First of all, YES I'M SO GLAD THIS IS BACK! I had to reread a couple chapters to get my footing but all is well.

        I'm really liking how you're involving more the world again and incorporating world-building into the plot rather than just action. The idea of a draft for procreation is very interesting and sadly something that I could see happening in a dystopia like the one you've crafted (what with the lack of social ability of the previous generation).

        I'm not really sure what the purpose of this new experiment is, but it has my attention. I feel like it can't just be for the sake of procreation since the technology is advanced enough to grow test-tube children.

        There were some minor spelling issues, like when her boss calls Becca "Strokes" instead of "Stokes" (unless that's on purpose?), but nothing that interrupted the flow of reading.

        I'm looking forward to seeing this piece continue to grow. And I almost can't believe how long it has been since the last chapter.


          Re: The Sphere (updated 5/3/17)

          Glad it's back. That means I probably should get back to working on the Weird Scholarship since it too was on hiatus. But this is about you. Looking forward to more though. I want to meet this new Crystal.