Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: What do you think

  1. #1

    What do you think

    A unfinished but in the works peace ..
    I know I need help but just a little feed back please

    On Saturday, August 13, 2014 7:00 AM, <soyo_san@yahoo.com> wrote:

    Lost in the Snow Drift.

    Hi I'm Lil-V and I'm 17 well all most 17 my birthday is like just 6 mounts a way
    ( woot ) - hoping for a new Yamaha 450 dirt bike would so rock. So I'm going to Tim's house after school ( O yeah TIMMY he's my bro he's 15 ), so I'm sneaking my pellet gun out yeah ( it rock's ) pump action long pistol .22 power o-yah , well off to school, yah I know no guns at school but who will know right , ok so I get in a little tubule some times but not much .
    Ok so I'm kinda short for my age I'm just 4'9 and only 89 pounds but I'm tuff :
    Flexing in the full length mirror cut like bruce Lee !!
    (( are you cleaning up and getting ready ???? ))
    YAH!! that's my
    Mom & Dad- David & Melissa There cool
    Mom- ok did you make your bed and wipe up the water on the floor ?
    Vic -yes and brushed teeth and flossed .
    Dad- ok after school your are going over too Timmy's and you have Timmy's moms number right ?
    Yes Dad-
    Dad - Ok we seined the releases for your filed trip
    To Mawchie pass and you have your ski tickets for the day so have fun "o" here is $50.00 for what ever, "O" and come give me a hug .
    Vic -Dad .!. A hug I'm not heading to Kindle care!
    Dad-just get over here buddy .. ZIPP & I'll take this .. Hand it over.
    How did he know I was holding my pellet gun -
    Dad- "Son" I told you never take it out of the house ! … Ok have a seat !
    Son you want to stay home to day ?
    NO !!! Please Dad we where just going to mess a round with it after school I was taking it there too Timmy's and Leaving it there promise .
    Son this is a bad Ida and if you ever try sneaking this out ever- I mean Ever you will get a walloping you Will not for get - got me son ? -
    Yes Sir … never ever ever .. promise
    Digging out the gun and handing it to Dad with remorse
    All over my face ( for getting busted ) .
    Well off you go and this will now be in the gun case from now on , got me boy" "with a nod".
    Walking to the shed to get ( my bike yup BMX don't laugh ) thinking out loud ' Dam Timmy's not going to let me live that down he new I would not get it out of the house .
    Look at the time ( peddling over some ice patches on the street ) slide-ding in too the bike rack ! Hay Vic Timmy asked well with the exuberance of a cat chasing a Ferber- well - no ! And well I did not get it out of the house I just ..Well to tell you the truth I got busted Dad some how new I had it .
    Tim- I tolled you .. "You" would not get it out , "parents" just know this stuff, man that raccoon is going to be tearing up the trash to night for sure now .
    Vic-Well Tim I did score $50 bucks from dad and no spanking " WHOOT " so add that to my $250 we get some hot coco and paydays at ski school to day !
    Yah my mom gave me a $20 plus my 180$ we will pig out and check out the bunnies on the slope aye - o yeah we sure will you bet buddy.
    At noon we all start lunch and finish up written Q&A ,then off the the mini moguls and the the starter slope (well I'm one of the best in class but who is not a good skier living in Colorado ) but we have to finish this class to move to tear :3 down hill I'm only on stage :1-1/2 Cues I'm small - Timmy well he was sick last winters ski class's started .
    So tell me you getting on well tim?
    O yeah I'm nit that dumb you know we just have to take these stupid courses to get the hill license and stuff so we can ski with out a parent and stuff .
    Well so what's planed for you house to nite tim - ?
    Well we can forget Raccoon Recon cus with out a gun that will only be cold ," hay " what a bought that coco and payday huh Vic -?
    Well I did get burgers and stuff and you have an extra 20 ( lol ) you get the coco and I'll get the paydays or I'll get them and you get pizza delivery ?
    Timmy- ok deal, shake on it ? with a bold hand shake off they go too Fountain bar in the lodge check that guy out over there vic "huh" who what guy ?
    Hay look , just over my shoulder there are two guys and that guy who could as well be a 17 year old and I think he is wearing a diaper for real !
    Trying not to be seen I glance just back for a sec and I think I can see like a strange greenish blue waste band , spinning back cuss I think his dad was looking at me .
    Hay let's get out of here Tim
    it's creeping me out the way
    That guy is kinda looking at us now "funky" like -as we both kinda chance over as we horse play out of the fountain bar.
    Hay look tim I think Bella is looking at your Package Nudge ( dam near tripping over his own feet !)
    Bella just laughed with her posse of Un touchable's AAA hottie's .
    Dam Vic you trying to kill me I could have broke my Johnson falling on a Boner like that dam dude !
    Hahha snapped bonner yeah that's funny would love to see you show that Note to the teacher : Miss Clemens
    I missed school cus I broke my dic!
    ( hahaha aha ) .
    Timmy- laughing his head off as well , then that sound of Mr Donavon's Wissale , time to catch a buss Tim you broke dick snow fucker hahaha . Well I'm getting in the back seat and out of the way of that driver Mr Bill hah Mr Bill - " o " no please done squish me in a vice "o" Noooo! As thy both fall in to giggles .and gab there seats.

    Part 2 the drive home :

    Rocking a rolling getting close to 8:20 pm & the snow is flowing woot going to be a white out late to night , whT do you think tim white out ?
    Well being the master of the snow bored, ( Vic no way you fall all the time.) Timmy - well I'm bettor then you are
    VictOr Sir tipsy - haha haha - ok so you are better then me.
    thats when the punching started and it got out of hand and Mr Bill started fussing at us and telling us he was going to stop the buss and Mr Donavan started to get out of his seat and Me and Timmy where flailing and bam lucky punch and I got tapped good and I started to see star's and get light headed and then Boom ---- Crash --- lights and then no Gravity and falling then no wats that
    Bam ! ! Sky spinning Ahu! Branch lots of snow and sliding and Falling and Flashing sky !!
    Then stoping ……. And snow flakes and Big fluffy Clouds.
    …………………. Blink shivering Cold so Cold ! Chatting teeth ringing in my skull so dizzy - must git up and help Timmy TIMMY! TIMMY! …. Blackness ……. : strange sounds :
    Bright red color and thin vain's and yellow and voices ? What is that sound
    is that .. groans .. Yeah I can hear groans why do feel so numb …. Endless filling of falling …BLACKNESS !!!!

    Chapter: 3 : new world !!!!
    Sounds - humming - what's that ..tune back yes back home at GramPaws that's what he hums - But grampa is gone I must be dead but-why can't I move ???.. Awww.. Blackness …….. music? … Tugging …. Numb … Pain in my arm and foot huts so much dizzy
    ( Blink - blurry robin hood cartoon's on the foot board blink blink …. Some thing blurry doing some thing to my foot . Blurry dizzy pain Blacknesss….)
    faint voce's : I think he is getting better he so cute .yeah he is ver cute but I think he lost some weight increase his dose and Weigh him in a minuet .. Ok Rodger after his saline is empty and he is fully sedated . Blink- Blurry blue Walls and Clouds on the sealing blink - crinkle ?-- shift -- crinkle? --- snoopy sheets ?----bb'Bars….blink- dizzy …Blackness……" Voce's" : hay Rodger he is only 75lbs & 3- once's …. Just a little fella but he will get some real food soon … He did blink 2 times to day .voce's new one -
    Danny you did a grand job in saving him … Riding my bike and heading to Timmy's for some football -Madden stile ..
    ……tugging and smells what's that smell …. ?….. Powdered and some thing some thing I know but just can't - riding bike …. Stopping sniff the air -- powder.. &….tugging Crack ..tugging right..Crack.. Tugging left..COLD FLASH!! chills … Blink Bright lights blink.. blink ..Cold wet… Tugging …. Numb -pain in my foot -AweAweAwe!!!
    Ugh dizzy .. ( in slurs of speech ) agates you doing ----
    Ugh dizzy .. Looking up as my legs go upward and I'm naked and this blurry some thing is touching me with some cold some thing … White .. That smell is close - wiping ( my bottom ?) .. Dull pain in my -ugh- strange voce " it's ok sweaty well have you cleaned up soon ok Hun, just change this stinky and get you all nice and dry and worm once more just you rest ok … Here you go ), looking up as he moves a cross me and to my right strange tubes and hanging stuff ….. Dizzy… 1 .2.3 blacknesssss………….
    Blink .. Blink .. Blurry left arm heavy .. Can't move it well - sharp pain euwugh!…Ugh !! .. wipe my yes with my right hand … Clunk .. Clunk Clunk across my knuckles.. feeling around in the dark…
    "bars !"..some sort of bars ??? Shift - Crinkle , Crinkle , shift … Try to sit up … Grabbing the bars pulling my self up … That smell I know that "smell" from some place ? The blurriness starts to fade a way and I can feel my foot it's in a cast & my left arm is to ..?.. What happened .. Me & Timmy had been fighting and then the ski teacher " what's his name " DAM MY HEAD….. shaking the fog off that will help yeah ";";";";"; Dizzy woe.. Placing my hand on my head and steady my self … On the bars … There my eyes are adjusting and a faint glow from the other wall -.-.- what's that, Is it a "Peter Pan" glow light ?
    As my eyes started to adjust I began seeing what and where I was it was a nursery a big one. If I could stand up I could only reach the top of the crib bars . I could all most touch the floor if I had tried to get out of this .. This Crib .. it just hurt too much to try. There was a standing dresser with swashbuckling pirates and boys in animal suet's on and fairies flying all Over the room painted on the walls and a strange table with straps hanging from the one side?
    " that's what I smell "!
    Pampers staked all over it in all the cubbies and packs not opened yet - what's that' cursors number 5&6&7 looking on the pack's what's that say new over nite super soft and thicker for more over night protection ..?..
    What the hell is going on ?? How did I get here ?
    And where is here ? …. And what am I wearing some strange clothes or like like this boy painted on this crib's head bored a big night shirt .. And who took my ski gear
    " off of me "? .. O my god who has me ??? …
    Checking if I have my under wear on and I'm just so numb it's so hard to lean forward , getting so dizzy - "!"----"!" Elmo on my crotch ""Diapered"" !?!?!? Laying back down- so dizzy and in some dull pain in my foot and my cast on my arm is throbbing ,, I'll never get out of this crib like this … O shit the bus reck that's what happened and, and I fell out that safety door " holly shit " whispering to my self ..!.. I fell down that cliff in to that snow bank and ..&.. I must have lived "or " I'm in some strange hell..or Hospital in Diapers and in a crib and what the .F.,U.,C,.K,. I'm !
    ( I'm socking wet )!?!
    I don't wet the bed what the I'm wetting right now holly… no!NO!NO !! .. Foot steps .. "Gasp!"
    closer & and closer lights in the hall cascading just under the door frame and then ……..!……
    Bright Blinding light as the door "POP's open and two men standing in the door was silhouetted dark figure's,
    Standing there ",",'suddenly I burst in to ters and just start crying "balling " my head off in fear "no" as ,as the pee starts flowing once more out of control ..tears start flowing out and the cry's elevate as thy approach and close in on the crib & begin to drop the side rail.
    Chapter :4:a new world order!!!
    Come on little guy , it's going to be "Ok" now now calm down little fella -:- your going to be just fine , Now just .. Here
    Rodger can you hold his legs for me please? He is squirming way to much and we just can't move him to the changing table just yet he is still way to injured for moving a bought .
    Vic: whimpering .. please !..Please ! .. J-j -just call my dad please!! Please don't hurt me please ..please . no!..whimpering … Sobbing ..no Please just don't hurt me please ……!…!…!.. Pl :-:
    ( stop'ed ) as Danny's hand covered Vic's pleading's with a gentle voce and hand over just barely touching his lips " now, now " we saved you Hun! Just let us get you well ok .. No one will hurt you not at all … Hun ( with a big Smile the slimmer man spoke ) .
    Hi Hun I'm Danny & This is Rodger here and we wish you no harm hun … Now just relax and let us make sure you and clean and dry ok ? …..
    As vic laid there , whimpering and still crying
    ( but in pain)
    And knowing some one had a doctor or a nurse make these cast and stuff …….?..?. Thinking what to say or do - slowly I tried to move back and then "STING" in the arm just like that , I looked and it wa-as-SS-S D..a…n.. Ny
    (syringe) .. then blurry Blacknessssss. ️.Blink- as my eyes cracked and the light from the windows fills the nursery .
    It was clear now where I was it was very clear .
    And the long nite shirt was no longer on me I was in a T with a strange collar and that,"Cookie Monster " on my crotch this time and that was all . I moved and squish and Crinkle is all I could think of … And I was so week and ..and My foot did not hurt .. I tried sitting up and got half way kinda on my elbow's and looked down at my legs it was missing and there was no cast but the bandage was there and there was some blood as well on the rapping's..but all in all
    Thy looked fresh and clean , can't say the same for my new diapers … Could hear a tv going in the distance.
    The cast on my arm was still there how log have I been here .. ?
    To be continued







    Sent from Outer Space ! Outerspace!!!

  2. #2

    Re: What do you think

    Oh my.

    How's your ego? Fragile or fearless? Hope it's the latter…

    You asked for feedback, so here you go:

    Finish school.

    If you have graduated, go back.

    Your story is a hot mess, and truthfully, there is no helping you in a story forum. You are missing almost all the basics.

    Ask yourself; does my story look anything at all like other stories? No, it doesn't. Not at all.

  3. #3
    Administrator 1,000 Post Golden Diaper Club
    ClawdiaWolf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    1,926
    Blog Entries
    6
    Reputation
    50
    Rep Power
    10

    Re: What do you think

    There are so many issues with this that I don't even known where to start, so how about I start with a big one?

    JUST SAY NO TO EMOJIS!

    Seriously, took me a moment to realize why your story looked so odd other than the horrible abuse you inflicted on the those poor periods. I never thought I'd see the day I'd have to use the browser on my phone just to see a post properly…


  4. #4
    1,000 Post Golder Diaper Club
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Posts
    1,293
    Reputation
    26
    Rep Power
    7

    Re: What do you think

    Cannot make heads or tails of this story. It's disjointed and the words all blend together. Don't post anymore of this story.

  5. #5
    Moderator
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    1,876
    Reputation
    74
    Rep Power
    7

    Re: What do you think

    I had hoped (for about 15 seconds) when I saw the "formatting" that this would be some sort of e.e. cummings-esque "visual" writing thing, maybe a little abstract and loosey-goosey with a hint of disturbing to give it some edge.

    Two sentences in, I knew I'd been duped.


  6. #6
    1,000 Post Golder Diaper Club
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Posts
    1,293
    Reputation
    26
    Rep Power
    7

    Re: What do you think

    Did not see the emojis. What is wrong with you? Just don't.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •